SHE IS looking for a commitment. Even before she knows your favourite colours, she is assessing your marriage potential. Why are women so eager to commit?
Conversely, why do men appear to be so commitment averse, what implications does this have for women who love them?
These are the questions frequently asked by women. Psychologist Gillian T. Stephens, however, is offended by the suggestion that women take short cuts to commitment that men do not.
Commitment
"I do not believe women assess marriage potential before they know anything about the male; I don't believe women are looking for commitment any more than men are," she told Outlook.
Neither, she said, does she believe that men are particularly commitment averse. The perception of a significant difference in commitment orientation between males and females is more the result of stereotype than reality, she believes.
The psychologist does agree, however, that women have the tendency to be more connection oriented (and there are reasons for this), but emphasises that both men and women have a deep desire for intimate relationship, for affirmation, acceptance and love.
Where women are concerned, she says, "the tendency to be more connection oriented has its roots mainly (though not exclusively) in socialisation processes and cultural expectations. These influence gender communication and how we express ourselves.
"From an early age, women are encouraged to express emotion, share intimacies, nurture, to be interdependent - all things designed to enhance relationship."
The desire of a woman to make this connection, Mrs. Stephens notes, also makes her vulnerable. "Men have traditionally been encouraged to be doers, to be more competitive, not to acknowledge too much feeling and emotion. Vulnerability is a no-no."
Yet, she adds, the very things which make one vulnerable - the self-disclosure, the expression of feelings, communication, the need for someone to share with - are the very things that intimacy require in order to flourish.
Because of socialisation and culture, women from the beginning find it easier to be open about being emotionally needy. "Men are just as needy, it's just that they have not been given as much permission to be up front about it. They feel weak or not masculine," the psychologist notes.
The interesting thing, she also adds, is that women have bought into the false perception that men who communicate and share are somehow effeminate. Yet, if you look at the top 10 needs in the world for women, certainly across western culture, the need for men to communicate with their women is paramount, the psychologist also notes.
Relationships
Explaining her belief that men are not necessarily commitment averse, she comments: "Attachment styles arise from relationships with caregivers, and these affect the ways we evaluate others and also our potential romantic involvement's. Adults with a secure attachment style feel far more comfortable in romantic relationships because they trust the availability of their attachment figures.
"Ambivalent attachment styles are due to lack of trust in attachment figures. These people want close relationships, but can be dependent and clinging, perhaps even possessive, all of which can drive their potential partners away.
"Avoidant attachment styles prefer maintaining distance between people. They do not trust easily and are not comfortable in romantic relationships. For both men and women with secure attachment styles, there is commitment and generally satisfying relationships."
But, there is hope. Even for those with a background of unstable relationships, "an experience of being in a secure relationship can change our attachment style and make us better able to give of ourselves, which is what commitment is really all about," Mrs. Stephens concluded.
- Outlook Team.
