Tony Hendriks - JAMAICAN PALEFACE The USA is demanding that airlines flying into America carry armed air marshals onboard as protection against terrorists. This may soon apply to Air Jamaica. We should start carrying a Shotta 57. "Hey boy! Don't mek me haffi light you up and dash you out de plane! What you say? Tourist? Oh, sorry, I thought you said you was a terrorist."
Of course some people, including pilots, are concerned that guns on aeroplanes will cause more problems than they solve. A bullet could pierce the fuselage, causing sudden depressurisation of the cabin, resulting in speedy evacuation of passengers, like in a disaster movie, which would suck! Except the bullets air marshals will use explode in the body and never exit, therefore avoiding such a scenario. Let's just hope they shoot the right guy.
Of course many people believe no self-respecting terrorist would dare hijack a planeload of Jamaicans, even if he had a suicide pact anyway. "Hey boy is first me going use this visa. You know how long it take me to save the money to buy it? Try, don't bother mash up me trip to America! Awhoa!"
KICKED
What terrorist wants to be kicked by a mule? Especially a mule with half a kilo of cocaine inside her stomach who needs to reach New York before it dissolves. "Look here, either you going sit down, or me going have to purge myself of my cargo, and there's only one end it coming out, then I going make you swallow it back, so I hope you like the taste of curry goat!"
Maybe instead of Shottas, Air Marshals should be ex-Special Anti Crime Task Force or ACID as they were once known. They can handle themselves in tight situations, are cool and deadly. Their subtle technique could work in the cabin with suspicious passengers.
"Don't move or I'll shoot! Shut up and talk! I know who you are, where you're from and what your plan is. Who are you? The only angels on this plane are dead ones. Put your hand in the air down by your side. Sit down, stand still!"
"Excuse me I was just going to the bathroom."
"No you wasn't! I saw you take a weapon from the overhead locker, bend down, pray to Allah and head to the cockpit to overpower the pilot and use the plane as a weapon of mass destruction to crash into a strategically placed building!"
"What you saw was me putting a pillow into the overhead locker."
"That's right and then you was going to smother the pilot!"
"No I wasn't! I dropped my glasses. I picked them up and now I'm going to the bathroom for a shi-wee. Anyway--"
"Don't talk to me like that. I'm no idiot. You look like a terrorist with your dark glasses and scarf. That's how they dress!"
"What's the matter with you, haven't you ever seen a woman wearing a scarf, and sunglasses before? Anyway, as I was saying--"
ARMED RESPONSE
"Don't back-chat me woman! I'm a member of ALARM, the Airlines Licensed Armed Response Marshals!"
"Well, there's no need for alarm!"
"Don't get funny with me. I'm no laughing matter. I'm highly strung in the science of profiling. You are a hijacker. You're hyperactive, sweaty, eyes too close together, your scarf is red and white, you look like an Arab and AH HA! You have a sharp object on your lapel!"
"I'm not an Arab, I'm a brown-skinned Jamaican and I'm hyper because I want to go to the toilet. The sharp object is a badge that says Purser. I'm head of the cabin crew, you idiot, and I'm sweating because it's hot in here with the doors open. If you took your sunglasses off you'd see we haven't even moved the stairs, let alone taken off yet! The only thing we could possibly crash into is Gate 3, which is hardly a blow to the global economy. Now sit down before I call some real security and have you removed from the plane."
"Just cool nuh sister. I'm doing a job. You can't be too careful these days you know. Anyhow, can I get a complimentary white rum and water before we take off? You know, just to calm me nerves."
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at
palefaceuk@aol.com
