Tony Deyal I HAVE a book where wives and women come between weather and work. West Indians who stay home or go elsewhere when there is the merest hint of bad weather, eschewing any other form of labour altogether, would immediately applaud the wisdom of the juxtaposition or any other position that the book might offer.
Speaking of wisdom, it is one of the things that come to the fore whenever a new year approaches. It is the time when you make resolutions, give yourself good advice in the form of 'DOs' or 'DON'Ts' or seek guidelines from authority figures, friends, books or other sources. The problem with seeking advice is that you hear only what you want to hear. Erica Jong the feminist says, "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." That is as good advice as the following by Paul Dickson, "Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig."
Perhaps I should stop at this point. However, at the risk of not telling you what you want to hear, I will continue at length but hopefully at some depth also. While at Harvard, Oliver Wendell Holmes (later to become an eminent jurist), wrote a 15-page essay on Plato that was extremely critical of the Greek philosopher. He asked Ralph Waldo Emerson, the writer and philosopher, for his comments. Emerson returned it with the observation, "When you shoot at a king, you must kill him." Holmes threw away the essay. Today, when the capture of Saddam Hussein still reverberates, and Abu Bakr the Musilmeen terrorist of Trinidad refuses to obey a Court order, it is good advice indeed.
MADAME CURIE
Then there was the advice of Madame Curie, the famous chemist, physicist and Nobel Prize winner in both fields, passed on to journalists. According to the Little Brown Book of Anecdotes, an American newspaperman tracked the Curies to the remote cottage in Brittany, France, in which they were vacationing. He found a rather dowdy woman sitting outside the door. "Are you the housekeeper?" he asked. "Yes," the old woman replied. "Is your mistress inside?" he enquired. "No," the lady responded. After satisfying himself that she would not be back soon, the reporter tried a softer touch. "Can you tell me something confidential or private about Madame Curie that nobody else knows?" he entreated. "Madame Curie has only one message that she likes to be given to reporters," said Madame Curie. "The message is to be less curious about people and more curious about ideas."
Children are the most curious of all and even when faced with clichés and commonplace proverbs can still distil new ideas and good advice. A group of children asked to complete some well-know proverbs came up with their own.
If you can't stand the heat get a pool. Don't count your chickens eat them. The pen is mightier than the pigs. A watched pot never disappears.
Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. When the blind leadeth the blind get out of the way.
BARRAGE OF SPAM
Generally I try to avoid the barrage of spam that my friends subject me to, thinking that I would find the jokes, prayers and cartoons funny or useful. I almost inevitably erase them. However, this one I kept and pass along to you for what it is worth. It might be spam but I find it both filling and fulfilling.
It comes from humorist Dave Barry and it consist of what he calls '16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN'.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14.Y our friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. FINAL Thought for the day. Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Tony Deyal was last seen wishing you a happy, prosperous and productive new year and giving his final bit of advice taken from the children. A penny saved is not much.
