Sidney McGill - HEALTHY SEX 101I charge you: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (Love is not to be artificially
stimulated, utter spontaneity is essential to its
genuine truth and beauty) Songs of Songs, 8:4 (New International Version).
ONCE AGAIN the New Year brings renewed expectations, triggering an inflated sense of hope that goads many of us into making the annual New Year's resolutions again. Although you may have completed your list, might I suggest that you add one more item? I will enjoy sex more by making my orgasm a secondary goal in lovemaking.
Many women have very few or have never experienced an orgasm in their entire lives. According to Alfred Kinsey, 29 per cent of women have never had an orgasm and only 50 per cent of women have orgasms with any regularity.
You may believe that a sexual experience does not count unless there is the big finale. Women who do not have orgasms when they want to, therefore often feel defective. If sex is only tuned to the physical aspects of sexual pleasure then young women will continue to have fewer orgasms. The secret is not to chase your orgasm; let it find you.
An orgasm is really a series of short-lived muscle spasms that most of us will do almost anything to get. It signals the end of sex, and lets each partner know that the other is satisfied. If you are masturbating, an orgasm is the obvious goal - why else have a sexual experience with yourself? Orgasms are indeed elusive if you are not in touch with yourself, or if you are resentful, depressed, were molested as a child, still suffering from childhood or current emotional or physical abuse or had a strict religious upbringing. Anger, fear, sadness and anxiety are emotions that are common reactions to past negative experiences, which can kill the likelihood of achieving an enjoyable orgasm.
Orgasms are overrated. They are only one way to be intimate and not the only way. It is not necessarily a measure of how open and vulnerable you are during intercourse. If you do not currently experience orgasms it does not mean that you are cold, frigid or unresponsive. It simply means that you do not experience orgasms! The problem is thinking that you must have one every time you have sex in order to experience intimacy and closeness.
Who owns your orgasms? If you are faking it, you probably feel that you need to have orgasms for your partner's sake so, you try real hard to have them. You think that having the right kind of orgasm will make him feel more loved or perhaps you feel that he owes you one, expecting him to give you one. Like a puppy chasing its tail, you will end up being frustrated trying to have an orgasm for someone else or trying to give one to your partner.
Orgasms should not be the goal of sex. Pleasure is the goal! If chasing after an orgasm gives you pleasure, then do it but if it gets in the way of your experiencing pleasure then you should reconsider not having an orgasm as a goal. Sex can be fulfilling and pleasurable without an orgasm. You can relax and let yourself be flooded by sensations, no longer striving for a goal. Without the tension and pressure of chasing after an orgasm, you may enjoy the pleasures of the sexual experience in a way you never have before. Let that happen for you this New Year!
(Part 2 next week)
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist.
