Sidney McGill - HEALTHY SEX 101 First, let's take stock of where you are now:
How do you feel about yourself?
Have you come to terms with the kind of father you have or never had?
Are you happy with your work, grades in school, important relationships especially your man, progress in achieving your career goals?
What would you like to change? Make two lists -- one list of things that you have direct control over which you can change, and another list of things which you have little control over and which would be difficult to change.
You cannot change your body image or bad past experiences. Difficult work or current living situations will take time to change. You can adjust how you feel about the things you cannot easily change by praying about them, blocking unbidden, negative thoughts and dwelling on the things that are going well in your life now.
Have short, medium and long term plans for the things you have the power to change (enjoying sex without the anxiety of chasing an orgasm for your partner's benefit should be on top of the list) then work the plan while being non-anxious about it. The key to start having orgasms (and those of you who have them occasionally, more and better orgasms) is to stop chasing after them but work at improving your committed relationships and redirecting your chase at reaching your life goals.
As relational problems erupt, deal with them by identifying the problem first and focusing on the problem in an effort to resolve it. Seek professional help immediately if there are issues of lingering distrust and unfaithfulness in your committed relationship.
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE REFINED
Relax and enjoy the entire sexual encounter -- the anticipation, your partner's body odour (stale sweat will not do!), the various ways of touching all areas of his body, biting, nibbling and tasting erogenous areas and enjoying your unashamed nudity and closeness to him.
You can improve the likelihood of having orgasm in the future by understanding and appreciating your own body. Learn to sensuously touch your skin - all over your body, breasts, vulva, and clitoris, even to the point of masturbation. Know what turns you on and what does not. Know all areas of your body that gives you pleasure to touch. Most areas of your skin that feels ticklish now will become more sensuous as you mature in lovemaking and confidence in yourself as a person.
Know that you are good enough to be anybody's lover. Be an equal partner in the sex act. Take the lead and the active part sometimes - as much as one-half the times! In other words, orgasms have a lot to do with how you feel about yourself and your partner. A bleeding or broken heart cannot be fixed by an orgasm. A committed, loving relationship makes it easier for you to improve your lovemaking skills and to grow emotionally as you learn to forgive and be forgiven. Start telling yourself and your partner the truth about your body: how it responds and how you feel about it. The truth will set you free!
Dr. Sidney McGill is a Marriage and Family Therapist.
