Sidney McGill - HEALTHY SEX 101 THE RELATIONSHIP that men have with their orgasms is masked in mystique and intrigue. A man's orgasm is more than just a short-lived pleasurable sensation, though it routinely eases his tension-filled life as he seeks to be commended by women and to compete with other men for social status.
His behaviour is expected to conform to what is considered manly. 'Getting a woman' or 'getting a woman pregnant' are popular expectations of most men. It takes perhaps as little as one failure to have an orgasm or be told his sexual performance is below par because of a rapid ejaculation, an erectile disorder, a retarded ejaculation, or his most common charge insensitivity to his partner's sexual needs.
When he doesn't think he matches up, he relegates himself as unfit to be esteemed in the company of men; his fragile ego broken. Worst still, if his weakness becomes public knowledge because there, he would be condemned to being less than a man. If a man isn't a man, then what really is he? A woman? The response in many quarters is 'nothing at all!' A man's identity is inextricably linked to his gender role (what he thinks others expect of him) and how he gets his orgasm (what he prefers).
ORGASM AT THE CENTRE
The typical male must hold his cards close to his chest that no one will see what is written on them. What are on his cards are personal and private matters centred on his orgasmic past, which can make him vulnerable. So the game is played as if he always has the winning card.
His spouse, however, in time, gets to read his fresh hand of cards and the relationship changes for better or worst depending on how both partners respond to the revelation. She knows how effective he is in bed but 'chasing away the man who can't give you [an orgasm]' as one reader (responding to my previous articles) retorts, is an effective way to emasculate him: a classic case of the victim becoming the victimiser.
Most men really do care about their partner's orgasm. In fact, when asked what they considered to be the 'completed sexual intercourse' 71 per cent of men included orgasm (theirs and their partner's) in their definition. If a woman is willing to commit herself to a man and share her intimate moments with him, then she should know her body well enough to lovingly teach him the fine art of making love to her.
Men are challenged by the fact that women achieve orgasm only 29 per cent with intercourse and do so with maximal sexual arousal. If stimulation of an erect clitoris allows a woman to achieve an orgasm, men must know what it is and where it is located and recognise that it is analogous to their own erect penis, which most are quite familiar with. To improve his self-confidence, a man must be friendly with his penis as well as his partner's clitoris. If he wants to be the expert at helping women have more and better orgasms, he must first realise that a woman responds slower than he does to sexual stimulation and so he must take his time during sexual intercourse and develop greater control of his orgasm since once he is erect he will achieve 98 per cent of his orgasms.
But as he gets beyond 40, his ability to achieve orgasms may decline due to reduced testosterone levels and general ageing and health issues. He becomes more accepting of his feminine side too. Hopefully his machismo and bravado of youth give way to the gentleness of the loving grandfather: a greater acceptance of the 'I'.
[Data taken from The National Survey of Family Growth,USA].
Next week, we will have a lesson on treating erectile disorders.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a Marriage and Family Therapist.
