Tony Deyal
IF YOU have been keeping abreast of the latest news you will know about the Janet Jackson incident at the American Super-Bowl last Sunday. The fact is that she had deliberately decided not to keep abreast. It seems that as a cunning stunt she exposed her right breast to those assembled in Houston and in front of their television sets to watch the biggest football match of the year and while the players got rings and medals, the sister of 'Wacko Jacko' got the booby prize.
Worse, after reviewing the evidence carefully, the CBS network decreed that Miss Jackson was ineligible to participate in the Grammy Awards. Miss Jackson's Attorney adamantly declared that CBS was stretching it too far and his client would sue. It is a matter, therefore, of 'tit-for-tat'.
ALMOST ARRESTED
The last time a woman did that with her right breast in public she was almost arrested. She was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman, walking towards her, could not believe his eyes. "It can't be," he said. "That woman is hanging out of her blouse. This is disgusting." However, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out. The officer, wishing to spare the good citizens of the city such an embarrassing spectacle, rushed up to the woman and declared, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" the woman asked innocently. "Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse." The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!"
There was no question about Miss Jackson leaving any baby anywhere. Her brother hung one out of a hotel balcony but that, according to some critics, is because, as much as he would like to have them, he does not as yet share the same attributes as his sister, there being a limit to what plastic surgeons can do for you. In fact, one school of thought has it that Miss Jackson exposed her body merely to show that in spite of the very close resemblance in voice and style, she was not her brother.
The reaction to the incident was extremely interesting. Many people described it as 'disgusting' or worse, claiming that the Super Bowl is a family show and that children were watching. They claimed to be embarrassed. It is possible that they don't know what real embarrassment is. Bothered by hay fever, a pretty school-teacher took two handkerchiefs to a dinner party. During dinner she felt a sneezing attack coming on, and began rummaging to the left and right of her dress. Suddenly she realised that the conversation had ceased and the other guests were watching what she was doing. In her confusion, she gasped, "I know I had two when I left home."
Looking at the history of breasts, there is a long held belief that Eve initially had three breasts. Legend has it that Eve woke up in the Garden of Eden and looked herself over very carefully. Everything seemed to be matched two legs, two arms, two hands, two feet, three breasts. Three breasts? She shouted out in alarm to her Crea-tor. 'Hey God', Eve demanded, "I don't understand what's happening here. Why did you put a third breast in the middle of my chest. It's absolutely useless." The Almighty thought for a moment, then told Eve to go back to sleep. A little while later she woke up, looked down, and saw that the third breast was gone. However, when she looked up, she noticed a creature standing in front of her. Perplexed and alarmed she shouted, "Dear God, what' that thing you put here in the garden with me?" The Almighty replied soothingly, "It's a man. His name is Adam. I made him to be your companion." "How did you do that?" Eve asked, her curiosity now fully aroused. God paused and responded, "You remember that useless breast?"
FASCINATED BY
WOMEN'S BREASTS
Regardless of what men say, and regardless of size, most men are fascinated by women's breasts and find them beautiful and amazing. In that sense, we are all bosom buddies. There are almost a thousand different words men use to describe breasts, from 'Angel Cakes', 'Bazookas', 'Bazooms', 'Bea-cons', 'Beanbags', 'Bebops', 'Betty Boops', 'Big Boppers', 'Bikini Stuffers', 'Billibongs', 'Blinkers', 'Bombers', 'Bomb-shells', 'Bon Bons', 'Bongos', 'Bonkers', 'Boobies and Boobs to Wobblers', 'Wongas, Woo-fers', 'Yabbos', 'Yams', 'Ya-yas', 'Zeppelins', and 'Zingers'. In some Latin American countries, asking for 'papayas' can cause people to laugh at you. The Dutch say things like 'Erwten op een plankje' which translated into English mean 'peas on a plank' for very small breasts and 'Tietenkast' ('titscabinet'), while Germans prefer 'Holz for den Tur' ('Wood in front of the door'). Big ones are something like 'Viel Holz for den Tur'.
Men's fascination with women's breasts has caused the question to be asked, "Why are breasts like electric train sets?" Because they were originally intended for the kids, but Daddy always ends up playing with them.
Tony Deyal was last seen wondering whether his visually challenged friend was telling him the truth when he said that the bumps on Janet Jackson's right breast were really Braille for 'suck here'.
