Glenda Simms, Contributor
THE DEHRING, Bunting and Golding Money Management Guide in the March 7, 2004 edition of The Sunday Gleaner gave parents some helpful hints to deal with the modern phenomenon of adult kids returning home.
In this article, parents were reminded that they should not feel that they are always responsible for their grown-up children.
They should, therefore, ensure that they do not use up their savings and their retirement funds to support working adults who choose to reside in their parents' homes for one reason or another.
Such advice is very timely and more and more Jamaican middle aged and retired parents need to listen to the advice that is given by DB&G in their money management guide.
The January 25, 2004 edition of The Edmonton Journal carried an article entitled 'Will They Ever Grow Up'? written by Tamar Lewin, a New York Times writer. Lewin used the lifestyle of James Navarro to illustrate the profile of adult children who are now deciding that it is better to delay adulthood and remain with their parents until they feel ready to make it on their own.
On one hand, Mr. Navarro who is 30 years old, is a lawyer in Brooklyn who has the responsibility of doing the research that will assist judges in their decision-making in a variety of cases. On the other hand, Mr. Navarro lives with his parents in Queens, New York, and his mother still packs his lunch and sends him off to work. At nights he cuddles up in his childhood bedroom which still has his stuffed toys and his athletic trophies.
NIGHTCLUBBING
On the weekends, he goes night clubbing and drinking with his best buddies who also live with their parents. Miss Lewin described Mr. Navarro as typical of a band of young adults who have made a deliberate choice to slow down adulthood and prolong their child-like dependence on their parents.
There was a time when young men and women would look towards graduating from college, finding a life partner, starting a family and living "happily ever after". It appears that such a pattern is going the way of the "dodo bird".
In her article, Lewin referred to a University of Chicago survey which found that modern adulthood begins at the age of 26 and a large number of young urban professionals are spending a longer time in colleges and other institutions of higher learning, taking a longer time to decide to get married and delaying childbearing and rearing until they feel up to such responsibilities.
There are many factors that are influencing this emerging pattern. One factor is the tough economic realities that are facing young people in most countries of the West. The cost of living is high, especially for those who expect to consume at the levels that their parents' stability have guaranteed.
Others are not feeling confident and secure in the hype of "romance" and "the happy life". According to Lewin "some young people say their hesitation about marriage, family and home ownership comes from watching how others from parents to peers have responded to the trappings of adulthood. Many of them always feel rushed, are too busy to get out with friends and, aren't happy."
All of this uncertainty has resulted in a generation of young people between 24 and 30 years who still live with their parents. Some of these have tried to live on their own but found it too expensive in the present economic climate, others have been married and found out quickly that marriage is not always "peaches and cream" or a "bed of roses".
Some are unable to find good paying jobs, even when they have university degrees and the related skills that are acquired through higher education and training.
Whatever the reason might be more and more young people who should be making their lives independent of their parents are returning to live at home.
This situation is particularly problematic for aging parents in general and for women in particular. Oftentimes the only parent at home is mother. This is because divorce rates are rising and most middle aged women do not remarry at the same rate as divorced middle aged and older men. Also in most instances, "Mama" will outlive "Papa". Furthermore, women seem to find the "empty nest" syndrome more psychologically taxing than men.
Parents should have the right to look forward to getting out of the parenting mode when their children are grown up. This is why so many parents sacrifice to educate their children and give them the appropriate social and financial support to launch them into adulthood.
It must, therefore, be quite stressful when a mother or father finds that they are expected to prolong their parental duties to support offsprings who refuse to grow up and to tackle their responsibilities.
Mothers need to understand quickly that even though they love these "delayed adult" types of children, they must not be conned into thinking that they have to be slaves to them for the rest of their lives. It is an established fact fathers that tend to be more intolerant of these "returning adults", and it is usually the mothers who try to justify why their dear "Alex" or darling "Alexandria" cannot cope with the challenges of life.
While parents might be called upon in many instances to bail out their adult children from many of the life situations that confront the younger generation, it is important for parents to encourage their adult children to chart their own course and to cut the "umbilical cord" as quickly as possible.
While we love our children unconditionally, we need to encourage them to "paddle their own canoes". If we don't, those of us who would like to enjoy our middle age and our retirement will be expected not just to assist with babysitting the grand-children but to cook, wash, clean and pick up after adults who find it difficult to grow up and to leave home.
Dr. Glenda Simms is the executive director of the Bureau of Women's Affairs.
