Wendel Abel - I AM WHAT I THINK I WAS ABOUT to explode. The feelings got worse. I smashed everything in the house. The feelings boiled inside of me. My hands clenched. I lost control and slapped her. The police shouted. I remembered my brother. I almost fired the gun.
Anger. Anger. Anger. In all three cases individuals were overcome by anger.
Anger is a normal emotion but it can be destructive when persons are not able to control it. Why control anger? If not properly managed it may lead to conflict and tension between friends, intimate partners and co-workers.
The effect of anger domestic violence, traffic rage, workplace violence, murder suicide, hate crimes, random shootings, gang reprisals and senseless murders are due to persons nursing anger and not being able to deal with their anger appropriately.
WHO NEEDS TO LEARN ANGER MANAGEMENT?
Everyone. The high level of murders, domestic violence and reprisal killings in Jamaica is in part due to the fact that we are not managing anger well. Some professions have increased exposure to angry persons for example, police, prison warders, journalists, children officers, collection agents and customer service agents. Teachers, ministers of religions, guidance counsellors, medical personnel and mental health professionals should master anger management skills.
ANGER MANAGEMENT
Express anger People who are not able to express anger very often suppress their feelings and by so doing turn anger in on themselves. This may lead to migraine headaches, stomach ulcers, muscle pain, sleeping problems, anxiety and depression. When we suppress our anger we tend to put down others, we may become cynical, critical, hostile and aggressive. Some persons withdraw and refuse to communicate with others.
"I found it difficult to express my feelings when I was angry. I would drink a lot. Then I lost control and would become physical," commented Harold.
"My wife would never express her feelings. She would sometimes refuse to speak to me for days and would sing continuously and throw words at me. This was very annoying and I hated going home. This led to our separation," reported John.
Identify the triggers Learn to identify the things that trigger your anger. Are they persons, things or situations? Having identified these triggers, avoid them when you can or learn to change your attitude towards them.
"My trigger was my mother-in-law. I tried to avoid her as much as possible and I tried not to respond to her comments. The relationship improved when I stated to express my feelings to her in a non-confrontational manner," said John.
Recognise your mental state Anger worsens when we are hungry, in pain, stressed out, frustrated or taking drugs. Identify the states that make your anger worse.
Identify warning signs, for example, talking louder, clenching of fists, using curse words, sweating. Learn to pick up these signals and control. This will prevent the anger from getting out of control.
Learn to express feelings. Do not bottle up your feelings. Get them off your chest. It is important that you learn to recognise your feelings and you learn how to express them. Develop a feeling vocabulary. Here are some words angry, upset, mad, disappointed, irritated. The next time you are feeling angry, ask yourself, "what feelings am I having?" Then express it!
The tip to express your feeling is to use what is called an "I message". Here are some examples of how to express feelings in some situations.
Situation: Your boss shouts at you in front of others.
Your response: Mr. Brown, I felt embarrassed and humiliated this morning when you spoke to me in front of others. I would prefer if you would do so in private in the future.
Situation: Your teenage daughter has come home very late. You are angry.
Your response: Ann Marie, I am very upset and disappointed when you come in late. It is very unsafe for you to be out so late and I get very worried and I am unable to sleep. I would prefer if you stop this habit.
Practise expressing your feelings in "I messages". You will have greater impact on others and achieve more.
Timing is important. Always choose the right time and place to express anger. Avoid doing so in public, in front of children and strangers and in setting that can cause embarrassment, humiliation for you and the other party involved.
Learn to relax. Relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and muscle relaxation are common methods used to control ourselves when we are getting angry. Some persons will pause and count to ten. Whatever works for you, try it.
Avoid negative behaviours. Many persons resort to negative behaviours such as smoking, excessive drinking and spending sprees when angry. Avoid these.
Dr. Wendel Abel is a Consultant Psychiatrist and Senior Lecturer, University of the West Indies.
