Tony Deyal, Contributor
FASTEN SEAT belt while seated. Have you ever tried to fasten your seat belt while standing?
If you do, you would definitely qualify for one of those flexible flyer plans that some of the airlines are touting.
Or, have you ever checked out the sign in the washroom that warns against flushing objects that are not natural body waste and toilet paper?
They say that such an act might cause cracks on the plane's fuselage that could compromise the safety of the aircraft.
So why are they checking for weapons if a terrorist needs only a couple of books and everyday objects that are not toilet paper to cause a plane crash? Instead of a suicide bomber you get a suicide flusher. Instead of a hijack you have a straight flush.
If you think that is weird stuff, you haven't heard the half of it. American Airlines is much more off the wall than the signs in their planes. According to Business Magazine, when the company was on the brink of bankruptcy in April last year, the CEO, Donald Carty, went to the unions pleading for $1.8 billion in concessions from the 110,000 workers. But even as he begged for support with his "we're all in this together" speeches, the company was trying to implement a bankruptcy-proof $41 million pension plan for its top 45 executives, including Carty. He eventually resigned in disgrace, his golden parachute failing to open.
TOOK OFF UNIFORM
Two pilots, who were fired by Southwest Airlines for taking off their clothes in the cockpit during a flight, fared better than Carty. They were rehired because they claimed that one of them took off his uniform after spilling a drink on himself. Then Castaways Travel had its first naked flight from Miami to Cancun with 87 passengers on board but no hot drinks. At the same time, United Airlines, after shutting down its shuttle operation tried to get into the low-fare end of the market by personalising its brand. It took the last three letters of its name, United, and called the new brand 'Ted'. This made the comedians ask whether American will call itself 'Ric', Northwest 'Wes' and Continental 'Al'.
While all this was happening, a college student, Luke Thompson, created a Web site for a company called Mainline Airways and offered flights between Los Angeles and Honolulu for $89. He had no permits, planes, pilots. There were 121 people who bought tickets.
Up to now, in the midst of all this madness, I had a few simple 'rules' for flying based on my experiences. The first is that whichever line I choose is always the slowest. I don't waste time any longer trying to figure out which line to join. Whichever counter clerk I get is always the toughest with baggage overweight charges. When I arrive at U.S. immigration, it does not matter which line I join. It is the one with several families from Colombia and Hong Kong, plus a few Iranians for good measure. I never make connecting flights unless I have at least three hours clear and even then have to run for the airplane. The Immigration officer I get is always the slowest and most suspicious. He does not just accept 'Ramada Inn' as an address but wants the full postal address. If I get a woman, she is invariably worse than the man. Down in the baggage melee, my luggage, if it arrives on the same flight as me, would be last off the rotating rack or it arrived before immigration let me out and is parked somewhere among thousands of similar suitcases. When I check in, Homeland Security always opens my baggage for inspection.
MURPHY'S LAW
Recently, I discovered Murphy's Law for Frequent Flyers, which tells me that my name ought to be Murphy, Eddie or Audy, it does not matter since American Airlines does not have Murphy on any of us. This is a list that I can relate to with every fibre of my being. The fibre to which I refer is the result of American Airline's favourite food for Caribbean flyers granola bars and pretzels. According to Murphy:
No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world except countries where there is only one gate.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two fattest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman (or in the case of women, the best looking man) on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard. And if your experience validates the Murphy list, then you surely would relate to this bit of by-play.
"Stewardess!!"
"Yes, Sir?'
"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no window shades, so I can't sleep."
"Captain, please! Just stop drinking and fly the plane."
Tony Deyal was last seen in London trying to discover exactly what British Airways means when it boasts about twice a day, seven days a week, both ways.
