Tony Hendriks, Contributor
IT SEEMS unbelievable, but during my trip back home last week some people actually believed Haiti was going to invade Jamaica. Not just the refugees in dribs and drabs, on boats and rafts but invading by armed force in response to ex-President Jean-Bertrand Aristide coming to visit. That's ridiculous!
Haiti can't afford to invade their own privacy, never mind pay for the gas to fuel a ship, to take an army to sea. Even if they could they'd be better off sailing to Florida for a shot at asylum rather than a shot at Jamaica.
Mind you, if it did happen we could sell TV rights to the biggest attraction since Smoking Joe Frazier got jerked on the George Foreman grill and call it: Obeah versus Voodoo!
HEX THE ENGLISH
Actually we really need Jean-Bertrand to bring some Voodoo so we can help the West Indies Cricket Team hex the English. Obeah clearly isn't good enough on it's own; it only lasts four days.
Seriously, I think it's great that PJ is making CARICOM stand up for its own against the USA. For real! From the outside world looking in it appears as if little Jamaica is telling giant USA to ease off and show respect for our Caribbean leaders, revolution, bloodshed or not. Tallawah indeed!
Obviously the JLP are objecting. They could never sanction harbouring a politician who allegedly used violence in order to gain political power. Why, that goes against everything they stand for.
We could even invite more unpopular ex-presidents to join us. Offer them a retirement plan and a house on the coast; all they have to do is give us some of their time and experience in return for safe haven in their old age.
Manuel Noriega would be a great consultant to the Ministry of Trade; after all he made kilos of money in Panama and with Jamaica's increasing Colombian connections we could pay off the national debt in no time. Robert Mugabe in charge of Operation Pride would soon see new low-income housing in Cherry Gardens, Manor Park, Round Hill and the slip of land at the side of Discovery Bay. Saddam could be Minister of National Security. Let's face it; the world was a much safer place when he was in charge of Iraq.
In response to my rant last week a whole heap of people offered opinions on the yet-to-be-completed, much-maligned, automobile-destroying, downright-dangerous, all-terrain, North Coast Highway. In typical Jamaican, brush-it-under-the-carpet-and-pretend-it-doesn't-exist-fashion, many of them tried to deny how bad it is, suggesting it wasn't as rough as the MoBay to Negril section, as if that makes it better. Without a doubt the best suggestion came from a vivacious executive at the hotel I was staying in. Her idea was not just great, it was positive too.
Signs! It's a brilliant idea and would work like a charm. All we do is put up signs, huge billboards, along the way, admitting that the road is appalling and apologising to the millions of Jamaicans and tourists alike who judder along it every day.
THE SMOOTH
What about: The road to paradise is bumpy. We soon fix it! Or: You gotta take the rough with the smooth. Then fifty yards further along: Coming soon: The smooth!
We should use our vernacular: Reggae road surface. You get jerked! Or: Original Arawak road surface exactly as it was when Columbus discovered it.
We could even try complete honesty. Politicians won't understand it, but it might work: Your dollar is making our roads better. Respect!
Your front end would still need realigning every five hundred yards and you'd have to visit the chiropractor for a cracking experience each week but if we recognised the problem and addressed it with humour, it would diffuse the situation and upset a lot less people. If we got local sign painters to make the billboards, it would create work and if we painted enough signs, passers-by would spend so much time reading they'd forget the road completely. Then again, all that labour could probably FIX THE DAMN ROAD QUICKER!
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com and you can find out where he is playing live at www.jamaicanpaleface.com.
