Sidney McGill - HEALTHY SEX 101 THE BUS conductor was Bridgette's first sexual partner. Bridgette, a 15 year old student was happy with the relationship because she no longer had to worry about how to find bus fare or lunch money. The mini-bus became a reliable mode of transportation because it drove by her gate at 7:30 am and reached school before morning devotions began.
For the first time Bridgette remembers feeling special and wanted until she discovered that he was with several other girls who attended her school. He even was involved with much older women in the community who were his regular passengers. Her shame and guilt increased when she realised that she was unknowingly giving him sex for lunch money; she was inadvertently a whore!
"To be someone's friend," I said, "is to speak frankly and honestly to them and to hold nothing back." So Bridgette confronted him and promptly ended the relationship. Depressed and angry she tried to find other ways to raise her pocket money (and self-esteem) to attend school.
Over the generations, teenagers have always been under pressure to have sex. They are more likely to give into the pressure if they have poor relationships at home that have no love models, have no set goals for their lives, have poor moral boundaries or over-identify with their peers. With the increased use of contraceptives generally and the lowering of the age of sexual initiation, adolescents are having sex more, which makes them highly vulnerable to HIV/AIDS and other STIs.
ABSTINENCE
There are many good reasons to choose abstinence. Abstinence can be a lifelong practice or a temporary choice. Adolescents may choose abstinence because they want to wait until they are older, wait for a long term relationship, avoid an accidental pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease or follow religious/moral convictions. Abstinence does not mean shutting down your sexuality. It only means not having vaginal or anal intercourse. With a little imagination, abstinence can be a truly satisfying choice. It might include other forms of sexual expressions such as holding hands, feeding each other, gazing into your partner's eyes, self-pleasuring, strolling arm in arm and sharing fantasies.
PRACTISING ABSTINENCE
EFFECTIVELY
Saying 'no' to intercourse will not work. You will have to think deeply about it, make a plan, and follow through. Here are some pointers:
1. Define abstinence for yourself. Set your sexual limits or boundaries and decide which sensual activities you want and don't want.
2. Be convinced as to why you have chosen abstinence for the time being.
3. Talk to your partner about what you want and don't want and why. The decision you make may test the quality and durability of the relationship, therefore, write down your thoughts and feelings to clarify them in your own mind before you share them with your friend.
4. Ask your partner what he or she wants and what are the reasons.
5. Decide on the kinds of sexual activities that are right for both of you.
Decisions about sexual health can be challenging. You should talk it over with someone you can trust such as an older relative or friend or even your school guidance counsellor.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Executive Director of the Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann.
