Tony Hendriks - JAMAICAN PALEFACE APRIL SHOWERS are not uncommon in London but the rain that fell here last week was reminiscent of a mini hurricane. The hailstones were the size of tennis balls. Well, maybe table tennis balls but they were big enough to give you a concussion or at the very least a coco if they hit you on the head. It was like a cross between walking under an overripe mango tree in a high wind or standing in a bunker on the 18th fairway at Constant Spring Golf Club.
You can tell how strong the pound sterling is because Jamaicans go out in the rain in England but during this downpour even English people stayed inside. If you call a drizzle blessings from heaven, then this was more like hellfire and brimstone. Thunder clapped and lightning flashed; lick dem Jah! It was weather more fitting for Bangladesh than Brixton. Then it got even heavier.
Conventional wisdom says: Don't use the phone or computer during a storm because you can electrocute yourself or blow up the device. How come I only ever see the message when I'm logged onto the weatherchannel.com? Usually I ignore the advice but after one humongous explosion of thunder and lightning, I expected to see a host of angels. When they weren't there, I pushed the off button, went to the window and watched the deluge. It was extreme. In fact more than a stream, there was a river running down my street, a scene quite commonplace, almost an everyday occurrence, in Jamaica.
I have often rafted down the Hagley Park River, climbed up Red Hills Falls and floated along on Marcus Garvey Lake. I even went for a swim during Hurricane Gilbert, until a coconut and a piece of zinc flew past my head and I decided it would be more prudent to take cover inside. But this was London; you're not supposed to see floods like this here. Conventional wisdom says: Watch where the water runs and don't build in its path but advice like that can only work when you know the water's course. If you live in Portland and build on a riverbank, or fancy a house on the middle of Bog Walk Gorge somewhere below the watermark then you are a fool, but Monsoons don't happen in Herne Hill very often. The only thing tropical about the place is some of the people who live here.
Having said that, British flood water is rather well mannered. Torrents of water cascaded through houses, but entered by the front door, coursed along hallways, until it exiting through the rear. It filled cellars, swamped gardens, and left trails of flotsam and made homeowners' hearts sink. The silence that followed the mayhem was broken only by the Shh! Shh! Shh! of people sweep, sweep, sweeping. Just as I did in Gilbert's eye, out I went to view the damage. It's amazing to see sights you're used to in the tropics juxtaposed by the temperate climate's surroundings.
There were no gangs of youths or men ready to push you through the crisis, no peanut vendors or drinks sellers renaming their product for the event, just shocked Europeans shaking their heads while African, Caribbean and South American people looked on knowingly with thoughts of home. Mind you I'd hate to think how we'd cope with snow in Half-Way Tree.
Tony Hendriks is a comedian. He can be e-mailed at palefaceuk@aol.com and you can find out where he is playing live at www.jamaicanpaleface.com.
