Ken Jones Ken Jones
THE MAYOR of the capital city is reported to be shaking his fist at men urinating in public places. In enforcing the letter of the law he will doubtlessly dot the "i" and cross the "t"; but putting a stop to the "p" will be no wee matter.
The city might have to employ orderlies to detect odours and spies to watch for suspicious movements towards alleyways and lamp posts. Spies are usually despised and it might not be easy to recruit men willing to betray a brother with a bothersome bladder or to confront one ready to let it all hang out and raise a stink. The use of meter maids is out of the question. They already know that parking meters, now fringed with weeds, used to be weed upon by motorists and pedestrians alike. Collecting and storing evidence will be difficult because it tends to run away and if saved, no judge is going to call for odour in the court.
LIMP EXCUSES
Then again, the long arm of the law must apply to all men, whether they are outstanding or simply have limp excuses. Some believe the penalty should fit both the crime and the criminal, the higher the rank, the heavier the fine. This is not an idea to be sniffed at. More lenient observers say those causing the offensiveness should be warned for the first and second violations. However, if the cock should crow upon the third incident, the sentence would be stiff. Flushing out one who opens his fly in the face of the law, is easier said than done. The act is usually carried out furtively and with a quick zip in a secluded spot. The decision isn't made at the drop of a trouser. It is more like reacting to a storm in the teapot; and when there is no time for a dry run a man may have to choose between being damp and being damned. Additionally, if one decides to wet his pants instead of the pavement he would still be peeing in public.
Critics say the authorities should erect more sanitary conveniences before enforcing a stoppage of water. This seems reasonable, because the Minister of Finance has already supplied toilets in his constituency. Anyway, the leaking budget indicates that there isn't funds even to install fire hydrants that could be used by stray dogs. But who knows! Public urinals may soon come on stream or are being held in the pipeline until there is money to facilitate those wishing to spend a penny.
Sceptics believe this anti-potty towards public piddling is a KSAC plan to liquidate its debts. I reject this notion but must consider that a little dribbling can indeed improve the cash flow.
This isn't the first time that the pee-ples representatives have pondered public conveniences. In the 1930s a well-known legislator went half-cocked on the subject. Half-asleep during the discussion he became fully awake in time to hear the resolution for more urinals. Quickly rising to his feet he declared his support and added that the conveniences should be equipped not only with urinals but arsenals as well.
The thought that more urinals make for a cleaner, sweeter smelling city is not shared by all. Last year the Manila city government opposed the Metro Development Authority's programme to install a thousand urinals along Manila's main roadways. Earlier, the city of Muntinlupa removed some erected by the Authority because the number exceeded that allowable under city rules. This so incensed the Chairman of the Authority that he announced that he would run for a post. This was not to relieve himself, but to win the vice presidency. Mr. Bayani Fernando said if he won he'd put public urinals all over the country, but a few weeks ago he withdrew his candidacy in the interest of party solidarity.
Another complaint against a multiplicity of public urinals is the amount of water used to flush the waste, wash hands and keep the premises clean. Some say, water is life and one cannot afford to flush it down the drain. The answer is the no-flush urinal, such as those at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. The urine passes through a floating cartridge filled with an oil-like substance that absorbs the fluid, fights bacteria and soaks odour.
Thinking of airports, Virgin Atlantic airline recently scrapped plans to install in its clubhouse at JFK Airport, urinals shaped like a woman's lips waiting to be kissed. The airline issued a statement assuring everyone that no offence was intended. In England where uric acid has been eroding the stone walls of the National Gallery at Trafalgar Square, the Westminster Council has installed a number of urinals, including two telescopic ones that pop out of the pavement on weekend nights when the pubs and other watering holes are busiest.
HEAVY PUNCHES
This may sound light-hearted to some, but others take the matter quite seriously. Not long ago in New Delhi a retired colonel unleashed some heavy punches on a man he saw urinating against a wall near the army premises. The victim later died in hospital.
Kingston's most notorious incident of urine splashing involved a policeman. He was terribly disliked by sidewalk vendors who attended his funeral armed with chamber pots they had filled during the preceding days and nights. Then at a given signal they emptied the contents by the grave in the May Pen Cemetery. I could go on with other coarse or fine examples of how vexed and complex is this issue of pour relief, but right now I've got to go!
Ken Jones is the General-Secretary of the Farquarson Institute of Public Attorney. He can be contacted at email: allerdyce@hotmail.com.
