Amina Blackwood Meeks, ContributorI GOT the bright idea to gather up some female friends to celebrate the memories and the influence of fathers who are happily in the other world.
Not such a bright idea it turned out. One smartie asked whether I was sure they were 'happily' in the next world. Well-er-um-how me fe know? Is just dat me wudda like believe. As it turned out this friend had a notion that to reside happily anywhere else the fathers would have to be satisfied that they had done the best they could by all their children, especially daughters, at this latitude.
There followed a long discussion about whether girls need their fathers more than boys did and exactly what were these fathers needed for.
Another smartie in the bunch suggested that we should also invite women whose fathers have been so happy enjoying this world in places far removed from their daughters that neither of them has the faintest idea what the other one looks like.
There followed another lengthy discussion absent, dead or abusive, which is the worst state of fatherlessness for women? Me nuh know. Me just feel very abused that my father absent because him dead.
A FATHER'S WORTH
So what do daughters need their fathers for?
Smartie number three suggested that whatever we think we need our fathers for we should, because we are able to, provide it for ourselves. According to her, if you really need your father to help steer you clear of abusive men and abusive relationships yu dun know what these are, tan outa dem way! Reasonable. I couldn't fight that, so hear me now, "But what about the security of your father holding your hand and showing you how to cross the street?" Hear she, "Well anybody who live dis long and cross so much street and nuh get lick dung and never have no fadda fe show dem how fe stay alive wid de kind a drivers on these roads, clearly never did need no father." Let me assure you that I did not join in the hilarity that followed that pronouncement. All right maybe just one likkle hahahaaa!
It really was not my intention to start any debate about the usefulness or otherwise of fathers in the lives of their female children. How dat come up? I have never heard anybody raise such an issue concerning his paramount importance in the lives of his male offsprings. Everybody seems to know that boys need their fathers. So if de same father so useless to him girl children, how come him have use to him boy children?
How yu mean useless? That's my question.
Well, if women are to get an understanding of what masculinity means from their fathers who are absent, or silent when they are present or abusive to their women or sexually assault their daughters, stop off at rum bar or domino table before dem come home, have nothing to say when they get home except, 'yu cook any food?' and a long list of other charges too numerous for this little column, then what kind of image of masculinity are the boys getting? Den nuh betta dem absent and all of us just imagine the kind of father we would like to raise us an den raise weself like is him do it. More hilarity, bordering on schizophrenia.
BRAINWASHED?
All I know is that a few years ago the Caribbean Child Development Centre right here in Jamaica produced a documentary of the needs of children as articulated by children all under the age of 15. One group of about seven youngsters was asked to name the one thing which, if they had, would make their lives completely meaningful. To a boy and girl they all answered individually and without hesitation, "My father."
This revelation won no converts from my group of fatherless friends, all of whom, incidentally, loved their fathers and had from good to excellent relationships with them and now only asking difficult questions like "But have we been socialised (meaning brainwashed) to believe that we need a father?"
Well, we could ask the same question about our mothers, so why we doan just imagine she too and raise weself like is she do it? Me one dat sweet, everybody else just shooting daggers at me. "Because," retorted one smartie, "she is real. We doan have to imagine who stretch de two grain a rice and one grain a peas an threaten to beat we in front of teacher if we don't turn out to something. She is in everything we do. She is all around us except in Parliament."
Is not me one did laugh dat time. Neither was it me who said, "De whole a dem man want some good right hand from dem madda" but is me did sey "or betta yet from dem fadda." And there's the rub.
The quality of human beings who become political (and religious) leaders, our husbands, and fathers is dependent on how we raise our sons. It is the 'we' that sometimes presents as a problem for those people who believe nothing women do can heal the 'father wound', the emptiness, pain and anger men feel in their lives when a father is absent or emotionally abusive or minimally involved in the lives of their sons. And by the way, women feel the same pain too.
It certainly never occurred to my mother that if she broadsided my brothers couple times, rather than leave it up to my father, it would impair their evolution into sons she could be proud of. And single mothers have raised many of Jamaica's best men. The challenge is for these men to become the fathers they never had so that we could all be raised without these hurts. For every year we have the same debate, where are the men who are helping to raise our children, and every year dem disappear after the grand debate, leave dem women to raise dem children and dem daughters to raise dem grand sons.
And how come we can't just say 'Happy Father's Day' without having to raise all these issue? Full time now. Otherwise we will be forever talking about our menfolk with something bordering on contempt and certainly not always complimentary in the responsibility department. Responsibility, fullstop. That means as fathers, as husbands, as politicians, as citizens, as human beings. So we meeting to celebrate our fathers or not?
And 'Happy Father's Day' to you too, and to the fathers that you are raising.
