Sidney McGill - HEALTHY SEX 101THEORIES ABOUT the differing ways in which women and men relate have become popular talk over the last two decades as the sexes try to understand each other. John Gray's 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' provided much of the foundation for the discussion. Since then there has been a plethora of books, magazines and journals exclusively devoted to women and men's issues.
Men and women do look at life through different lenses and this article highlights the psychological intimacy in men for the purpose of helping you and your spouse to improve intimate relationships.
Women typically require more regular psychologically intimate experiences with their lovers, spouses and children. Men, on the other hand, have learnt how to effectively stifle emotions which make them feel insecure. A man must relearn how to be psychologically intimate with his spouse and even his children. It begins with his ability to share his inner experiences such as fears, self-doubts, disappointments and failures with someone else.
HIS ABILITY TO BE INTIMATE RESTS ON THREE PREMISES:
1. The capacity to know what he feels
2. The willingness to say it
3. The language skills to use words to express how he feels.
Problems with any of the three abilities limit the chance of developing psychological intimacy. Furthermore, these limitations fuel domestic violence and emotional abuse in heterosexual relationships. A man who cannot recognise or express his intense feelings with words that aptly describe how he feels is prone to vehemently list the types of cloths he thinks you resemble (Jamaican expletives) or readily gets into physical fights. Here are the crucial steps toward reaching psychological intimacy:
1. Start by selecting someone who knows you well and loves you as you are (except your mother).
2. Create the right time and place to share an experience that shows a different side of you, but not an earth-shattering discovery. As you share from within your inner self, what is said need not be in perfect English or prose. Just say it.
3. Hopefully, your spouse or friend will respond non-critically to what you said and recognise how important the moment is to you.
4. If your friend finds pleasure or is intently interested in hearing what you have to say then you should say more and explore more deeply how you feel. Don't tell all in one sitting. Leave some for another opportunity.
Intimacy will not happen if your friend or spouse negatively judges what you say: "I thought you had gotten over that," or just does not see the importance of what is being said: "Yeah, but talk to me about it later."
Periodic sharing of aspects of the inner self is necessary to sustain deep intimacy and a sense of security in a relationship. Psychological intimacy not only calms you but allows people to see you as unique and significant. It is seeking to be better understood and accepted. You need this kind of intimate sharing in order to be in and stay in love. Stephen Levine on 'Male Heterosexuality' states that psychological intimacy "is the primary interpersonal stimuli to women's sexual desire." Although heterosexual men may not want to admit it, psychological intimacy is the primary interpersonal stimulus to their desire too. Your lover should be your friend, and close friendships spawn psychological intimacy. You can create personal stability, self-cohesion, self-esteem and improved ego function by learning to be psychologically close to someone who loves you as you are. It is a rare gift.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Executive Director of the Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
