Tony Deyal
Tony Deyal
I HAVE just been through a testing time. It was a dog-day afternoon and having nothing better to do, I broke my Microsoft leash and instead of exploring decided to Netscape. There I found a quiz which offered to compare me to a domesticated carnivorous mammal with a barking or howling voice and an acute sense of smell. It turned out to be much adog about nothing. Instead of asking 'What kind of fool I am?' I was answering 'What breed of dog I can be compared to'.
I took the test. I was asked, 'When you get mad at somebody you feel comfortable with' and was given the choice of what I do, 'I ignore them; Attack them verbally; Attack them physically; Cower because you're scared of them; Nip and nag at them.'
MENTAL OR DENTAL?
I would have loved to answer 'bite them to bits' but that was not an option. What I recognised is that the questionnaire designers by asking whether I attack them verbally or physically were trying to find out if my bark is worse than my bite. Am I mental or dental?
I was then asked what I am scared of. My options were, "Only things that make sense to be scared of; People who are smarter than you; People who are bigger than you; Everything; People bigger than you but you don't let them know it." Politics was not an option. Kidnapping was not on the list. Police were, as usual, nowhere in sight and not available when you need them. So I settled for my bravado. I never let people know that I am afraid of them or that they should be afraid of me. Except lawyers. However, any comparison between lawyers and dogs would be odious. Dog-lovers everywhere will file a class action suit against me and I would have to embark on the impossible task of finding a lawyer who qualifies as being superior to the average canine. When you consider how loyal, loving, grateful and smart the ordinary dog can be, where would I find a lawyer? It would be a trial.
My style came next. Casual? Big bold patterns? Wild? Ordinary? Trendy? I have absolutely no idea what that has to do with different breeds of dogs. What would a pot-hound wear? How do pit bulls envisage themselves? Black leather with studs?
The next question was even more unfathomable. How do I feel about exercise? Do I get enough? Yes and no, depending on the exercise. But that was not an option. The others were, "Am I naturally athletic? Do I mean that I can't get enough? Do I go for anything that gets my heart rate up?" No. Yes. Long time ago.
Then came the crux of the questionnaire. Personality. Smart alecky? Introverted? Quiet? Extroverted? Defensive? If you call me 'smart aleck' I immediately go on the defensive. Am I being too defensive? The only thing I cannot be is 'quiet'. But I persevered which must count for something on the dog test, maybe qualifies me for the Old Yeller Award, or I might even win some fair Lassie. With my weight, no Rin-Tin-Tin prize for me.
As I waited for my test results, I thought of all the dog terms and associations. Do you know that there is a pye-dog? It is not named after the British Radio manufacturer, the symbol that makes dogs go round in circles, or even the dish, although a spotted dog might be a spotted dick which is not a medical condition but a suet pudding with currants. Hair raisin' stuff that, if ever you come into contact with it.
A pye-dog is a half-stray wild mongrel with the 'pye' coming from Hindi. There is also a "pariah" dog which is just another term for 'pye' dogs. We Hindus have this thing about multiplication and multiplicity hence the population statistics and number of deities. We are also very philosophical, even when it comes to dogs. We know that the reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. We also know that if a man's best friend is his dog, the dog has a problem. Some of us pray to be the people our dogs think we are. And then we realise that some days we're the dog and some days the hydrant. The one I like is the observation that things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
ROTTWEILER
When my results came out I was deemed to be, not the Great Dane that I think I am, but a Rottweiler. I got a score of between six and ten. The designer of the quiz had the effrontery to editorialise, 'Sit and pick on somebody your own size'.
Had I got a score of between minus five and zero, I would have been a Chihuahua with the caption, 'At times, your personality is endearing, but behind your back, people are easily annoyed by your antics'. More than zero and less than six, I would have been a loveable terrier.
I truly believe that calling me a Rottweiler must be a mistake and points to a gulf between the questioner and me. I live on the edge of the body of water which separates Trinidad from Venezuela. This makes me a 'Paria' dog. My East Indian ancestry exposed me to different kinds of pies, notoriously 'aloo' or potato pies, but I can't be a 'pie' dog in that sense because of my love for another East Indian staple and for bread in general. I checked the spelling carefully. Obvious error. I am, if anything, a 'Roti-weiler'. Or maybe, I am part of a new breed. As a West Indies cricket fan, I might be the combination of Collie and Lhasa Apso or 'Collapso'. Or an 'Irish Springer' which is what you get when you cross an Irish Water Spaniel with an English Setter a dog as clean as a whistle. A terrier and a bulldog would be as bad as this joke 'terribull'. Worse than that is the Malamute and Pointer cohabitation which would produce a 'Moot Point' and could only be owned by a lawyer. The worst is the mating of a Bulldog with a Shi Tzu.
Tony Deyal was last seen doggedly chasing his own tail around in circles. His explanation was that things are so bad with him it is impossible to make ends meet.
