Tony Deyal
Tony Deyal
CONFESSION MIGHT be good for the soul but not for the mailbox. Having confessed that I had taken a test, more aptitude than intelligence, which determined which species of domesticated canine mammal I most resembled, I did not expect the flood of e-mail that followed from the bunch of yahoos who claim to be my friends. They were dogged in their determination to make much adog about it. They should call you Charles Bark-clay, one said. You have to be a terrier caliente, another wrote, Spanglish for hotdog. Paw me.
The quiz classified me as a Rottweiler and not a Chihuahua or other breed. This led to one friend saying that Chihuahuas are much more dangerous than they appear at first glance and there was an incident where one of them killed a Rottweiler. It stuck in his throat.
There is the story about two men, one with a Rottweiler and the other with a Chihuahua who hoped to get into a posh restaurant despite a No Dogs Allowed sign on the door. The first one put on a pair of dark glasses and went to the doorman explaining that he was blind and the Rottweiler was his seeing-eye dog. He was allowed in. Then the owner of the Chihuahua tried the same trick. Darkglasses on, he went up to the doorman. "No dogs allowed," said the guardian of the gate. "But this is my guide dog," the man explained. "A Chihuahua? "asked the doorman in total disdain. "A Chihuahua?" repeated the man in total disbelief. "You mean he gave me a Chihuahua?"
DACHSHUNDS
Although dachshunds were not on the list, another friend told me about one that won a fight with a Rottweiler. It seems that a little squirt of a man walked into a bar with a dachshund under his arm and was immediately made fun of by a burly giant with a Rottweiler. "What a stupid, ugly excuse for a dog," the big bully guffawed. "Long nose, no legs. Ugliest dog I've ever seen." The little man mumbled, "Yes, but he's real mean."
The big man forced a bet on the meek little man. "Fifty dollars," he boasted, "that my Rott can finish off your poor mutt in two minutes flat."
The two animals lined up nose-to-nose and the short, ugly one lunged forward and bit the Rottweiler in half. "What kind of a dog is that?" asked the amazed Rottweiler owner. "Well before I cut off his tail," the little man said, "he was an alligator."
Alligators excluded, Rottweilers are not as bad as their reputation. For instance, what's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker? It's easier to get your kids back from a Rottweiler. They're also supposed to be quite intelligent. One Rottweiler owner was facing his dog across a chess-board when a friend came along who was amazed. "What's going on? Are you really playing chess with your dog?" he asked. "Yup", the dog-owner responded, deep in concentration.
"That's amazing," the friend said. "Why that must be the smartest dog in the world!"
"Ah, he's not so smart," the owner replied, totally unimpressed. "I've beaten him three games out of four already."
SMART DOG
Listening to Lloyd on the pressure exerted by the jaws of a Rottweiler, I made up my mind to go in for quality. Like the owner who boasted to his neighbour, "My dog is so smart that every morning he waits for the newspaper delivery boy and, instead of biting him, he takes the paper from him and brings it straight into the kitchen for me to read."
The neighbour replied, "I know."
Mystified the man asked, "How?"
To which the neighbour answered, "My dog told me."
This might sound like a bit much but talking dogs are not all they're cracked up to be. A man tried to sell a dog to his neighbour for five dollars even though it was a talking dog.
"I don't believe you," the neighbour replied. There's "no such thing as a talking dog."
CRUEL
The dog looked sadly at the neighbour and sniffed dolefully pleading, "Please buy me, kind sir. This man has been cruel to me. He never takes me for a walk. He buys me the cheapest dog food and he makes me sleep in the garage. He doesn't realise what a super dog I am. A year ago I swam from Jamaica to Trinidad, and appeared as a guest artiste at the prestigious Kennel Club show in New York."
"Wow! You're right. This dog can talk. So why are you selling him so cheap?" asked the befuddled neighbour.
The owner shook his head and said, "Because I'm tired of his lies."
Before you become tired of those that were sent to me, the fact is that most of my friends were not as bad as the dog, although one said that I was more like a pitbull crossed with a collie or sheepdog. I am the type who would bite your leg off and then go for help. Another said that I am too much of a perfectionist and demand too much from everyone else, even dogs, and told me a story that he said was the quintessential me.
A woman saw a dog go into a butcher's shop. "What is it today?" the butcher asked the dog. "Pork?"
The dog shook its head. "Beef?" prompted the man.
The dog shook its head again. " Lamb chops?" the butcher queried. The dog shook its tail furiously.
The butcher wrapped up two lamb chops, gave them to the dog and the dog left in a hurry. The same thing happened the next day and the woman was so intrigued that she decided to follow the dog out of the shop. The dog went to a house, got on his hind legs, and rang the doorbell with his nose. A man opened the door and started to shout angrily at the dog. The woman was aghast.
"You should be ashamed of yourself," she chided angrily. "That is the smartest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher, selects your dinner and brings it home for you. He even rings the doorbell. Yet you treat him so badly."
"Maybe," the man answered explaining, "but this is the third time this week he's forgotten his key."
Tony Deyal was last seen repeating a Groucho Marxquip, "Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read."
