Sidney McGill - HEALTHY SEX 101 MEN AND women have been making vows 'to love, 'till death do us part' for centuries. They start their new lives together, hearts brimming with hope for a brighter future filled with endless, legal sex, a family to boot and a new sense of respectability. But while all are ready and willing only a few are able to keep their marriage vows when marital problems persist over many years.
If marriage is to be an institution created for the public good (in that it should reduce sexual anarchy, and develop and maintain responsible families with clearly-defined structures) then such an institution which is supposed to last a lifetime cannot be built only on the fickleness of the emotions.
First, it has to be salvaged from the quagmire of extreme modern romanticism where love is the only necessary condition for marriage and elevated to the place where the covenantal vows become equally important (for the public good).
ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE
Secondly, it must be removed from the 'personalist' arena where marriage vows and reasons for being together are arbitrary and less binding as in the case of common-law relationships, most pre-nuptial agreements and other
loosely-bound short-term relationships. These relationships provide many alternatives to leave when relational problems erupt.
Women are less likely to leave these relationships because of economic dependence on a man who has complete freedom to behave as if he does not have a family to go home to. She learns to negotiate with him, to challenge him about his philandering without overturning the economic boat. Many of these relationships are held together by a tacit agreement that neither will challenge the other's self-deception for fear of a partner leaving the relationship.
WINE MAKING
The depth of commitment between the couple therefore should be grounded in a binding covenant to love each other unconditionally. A married couple that sets an ideal to be patient, not self-seeking, keeping no records of wrongs, protecting, trusting, hoping and persevering is likely to survive the rough journey, albeit with scars which are milestones along the journey together. Their love will mature like fine wine with many subtle flavours; a proof of the quality of fruits (your individual lives), the pressing process (intimacy) and the care taken during the ageing process (perseverance).
Jesus attending a wedding feast at Kefar Cana miraculously produced a new wine of better quality than the finest wine that the couple, their family and friends could afford. A marriage therefore can only thrive when the spiritual union of the couple is constantly fed spiritual food to sustain loyalty and devotion to each other.
I suggest you begin with regular scripture readings together, intimate talks that involve financial, emotional and spiritual concerns in the relationship, and prayer. The practice will produce a better wine (life) than you could make on your own.
Genuine love is capable of destruction (become vinegar or spoilt wine) and therefore must have a clean permanent structure to sustain us through the pain and joy of it. Old wine is always better if preserved well.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Executive Director of the Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
