Tony DeyalA LITTLE girl asked her father, "Daddy do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" Her father smiled and said gently, "No, sweetheart. Some begin with 'If I am elected'."
Fortunately, in spite of our being super-saturated by coverage of Kerry and Bush on the campaign trail, Grimm still has not been applied as an adjective to describe how Bush looks when he is asked about Iraq. At the same time, Christian is not merely a term used to describe the values of the Republican Party, but continues to be known as the middle name of one of the great fairy tale tellers, Hans Christian Anderson.
The BBC Online recently reported that a poll of 1,200 children found that Cinderella was the most popular fairy tale. Sleeping Beauty was second, Hansel and Gretel third, while Rapunzel and Little Red Riding Hood were fourth and fifth. The children were referring to the original stories which, in their purest forms, have been handed down for generations and which will hold their fascination forever. Once upon a time in the west, east, north or south will continue to be the keys to the magic kingdoms of imagination and wonder.
VERSIONS
Of course, like everything else, they are not immune to deviations, interpretations and variations. For instance, one version of Cinderella had her moping by the fire after she lost her glass slipper. Her Fairy Godmother appeared and gave her a camera to help dispel the blues. Cinderella took graphic images of her wicked step-sisters and stepmother intending to use them as evidence. When she shot her first roll of film, she took it to be processed. After a week, she went back for her pictures only to be told that they had not yet returned from the laboratory. Disappointed she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Some day your prints will come."
Another variation featured a fight in fairyland among Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan. Sleeping Beauty was adamant, "I am the most beautiful person in the world." Don Juan promptly shouted, "No, you're not. Cinderella is much prettier than you." Tom Thumb made his claim for being the smallest person on earth. Sleeping Beauty said that her friend Snow White had told her that the dwarves were smaller than Tom. Don Juan then insisted, "I've seduced the most women in the world." Both Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty laughed at him. "Wrong, wrong, liar, liar," they shouted childishly.
A MEDIATOR
The other fairy-tale folk decided they needed a mediator, someone they respected who would sort out the situation. They decided on Merlin the Magician. He agreed. Sleeping Beauty went in first and seconds later came out with a huge smile on her face, "I am the most beautiful person in the world. That's what Merlin said," she shouted.
Tom Thumb went in next and came out quickly hopping up and down on his little legs, saying gleefully, "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin said so." In went Don Juan and he did not come out for almost an hour. Finally, quite shaken and very distraught, he emerged muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton? What does he have that I don't? For one thing, it is a matter of size brain size. When it comes to having sex on the brain, size is not just everything, it might be the only thing."
NatureNews Service reports that Australian researchers from the University of Melbourne have determined that your sex drive may be proportional to the size of your amygdala, a miniature emotion centre that is nestled at the base of the brain. According to a report published in the Annals of Neurology, the amygdala is stimulated by erotic movies, and is considered vital for mating behaviour in many animals. But until now, its size was not regarded as important. The Melbourne team, headed by Dr. David Reutens, scanned the brains of 45 patients who had chronic epilepsy, a condition which short-circuits your sex drive. Each patient had brain surgery and those who had the greatest amount of amygdala left intact after the surgery also had the greatest sex drives.
SEX DRIVES
Talking about sex drives, the amygdala has nothing on the Porsche. The Hamburg-based opinion poll institute Gewis, questioned 2,253 male and female drivers aged 20 to 50, and found out that Porsche drivers suffer more bouts of infidelity than any other group of car owners. A Reuters report quotes the survey as saying that fully 49 per cent of Porsche drivers admitted they cheated on their wives or girlfriends. Second to the Porsche male drivers by only three per cent were those men who drive BMWs. Women who drive Audis were the least faithful female drivers. Forty-one per cent of them admitted to having affairs. The problem now is to correlate the data.
Several questions emerge. Does Bill Clinton have a Porsche or BMW? Does Monica Lewinsky drive an Audi? How long will it take before amygdala enhancing supplements come on the market? Given the shift in emphasis, would there be a black market for amygdala enhancing devices? During her sojourn with the Seven Dwarves, what happened to Snow White's amygdala? Or could the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood have blamed his amygdala for attacking the poor girl's grandmother?
Tony Deyal was last seen sitting glumly in his truck watching the Porsches, BMWs and Audis flying past and wondering why they dared call his vehicle a pickup.
