Tony Deyal
THE WORD sign plays a very important part in business. What kind of business person would you be if you could not sign on the dotted line, demand that some shirker worker resign, or assign work to your employees? You consign and design. And more, few businesses can exist without a sign on the place and product. Worse, without a sign you cannot win the Wackiest Warning Competition.
Every year the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, a group that tries to demonstrate the extent to which the fear of frivolous lawsuits has led to a loss of corporate common sense, sponsors the annual contest for the wackiest, zaniest, funniest, and dumbest warning labels. This year's winner was the warning on a bottle of drain cleaner, If you do not understand, or cannot read, all directions, cautions and warnings, do not use this product. Not being able to read, as Dan Quayle reputedly said, really is a waste of a good mind and clogged drain.
LAWSUIT-PLAGUED TIMES
Robert B. Dorigo Jones, the President of the non-profit Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch group, in the news release announcing the contest winners, stated, "Wacky warning labels are a sign of our lawsuit-plagued times. It used to be that if someone spilled coffee in their lap, they simply called themselves clumsy. Today, too many people are calling themselves an attorney. A woman who spilled some McDonalds coffee on her lap actually won a substantial settlement. This incident and the subsequent sizeable payout is a major landmark in lawsuits and labels.
Second place in this year's contest went to the sign on a snow sled. It read, 'Beware: sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions'. In third place was the sign on a foot-high (twelve-inch) storage rack for compact disks. It warned, 'Do not use as a ladder'. Obviously the company's reasoning is if you are that compact to consider it a ladder you might end up with a slipped disc or two and sue, leaving the manufacturers to sing the blues.
I have been outsmarted by fishes before. I remember a bunch of red snappers that lived under a platform in the middle of the Gulf of Paria, never coming out to bite my shrimp bait. I was certain that they must have seen the sign, 'No Fishing' on the platform. It seems that they are literally not alone.
Fourth place in the competition went to a five-inch fishing lure with three nasty steel hooks that advises it is 'Harmful if swallowed'. Pity the poor fish who can't read even though he travels in a school. Some of the winners from previous years are: A warning on an electric router made for carpenters felt it necessary to say, 'This product not intended for use as a dental drill'. Maybe they know my dentist.
A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user, 'Remove child before folding'. A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, 'Warning: May cause drowsiness'. A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns, 'Recycled flush water, unsafe for drinking'. Perhaps they meant that for WASA. A CD player carries this unusual warning, 'Do not use the Ultradisc 2000 as a projectile in a catapult'. I feel that they must have heard some of the music from this year's Carnival and realised that some people would be so angry that they might be tempted to throw it at the singer.
MEDIUM IS THE MASSAGE
Some people pelt dictionaries, throwing words in the process. Others just throw broken chords. A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use while sleeping or unconscious. In this case, the medium is the massage. A cartridge for a laser printer warns, 'Do not eat toner'. I've heard of people eating their words but this is ridiculous. A household iron warns users, 'Never iron clothes while they are being worn'. Obviously, they know my mother. A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns, 'Not intended for highway use'. A bathroom heater says, 'This product is not to be used in bathrooms'. A can of self-defence pepper spray warns users: 'May irritate eyes'. A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists advises, 'Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover'.
Tony Deyal was last seen reading the label on a box of birthday cake candles. It warned, 'DO NOT use soft wax as earplugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity'. Take that.
