By Wendel Abel, I AM WHAT I THINKWHEREVER WE are, whatever we do, we all need someone to lean on. But, why are relationships so difficult?
Relationships are complex; we all go into relationships with our past expe-riences, our present realities and our future expectations. Then there is the fairy tale syndrome! Many persons are brought up to believe that they will meet the perfect person; they will get married and live happily ever after. Far from the truth. Relationships are hard to build.
Create a healthy and lasting relationship.
Get to know each other. During the early phases of a relationship, we are at our best to impress. Courting allows people the opportunity to know and understand each other. If you have doubt and concerns try to address them early. If you cannot resolve them, move on!
Commitment is important. Happy and satisfied couples must find quality time for each other and must make clear commitments to each other and to the relationship. Make time, take time and find time for each other. Don't take each other for granted.
To thine own self be true. You cannot be truthful and honest to others if you are not truthful and honest to yourself.
Honesty is important. Lies, deceit and cheating destroy trust. They leave the other party with a sense of betrayal. When trust is lost, all is lost. If you can not be honest to each other, get out of the relationship!
State your needs, your likes and your expectations. Do not expect your partner to assume your needs. Stop the mind-reading game!
Communicate! Communicate! This is the life blood of all relationships. In order to foster a healthy relationship people must communicate. Communication should be clear, honest and respectful. Share your dreams, hopes and expectations. If you can handle it, share your fantasies!
Love, nurturing and caring. A healthy relationship needs these components. Emotional expression is important. Touching, holding hands, kissing, bathing together, massaging each other, add spice to the relationship.
Sex is important. Sex is a basic physiological need. Partners should talk about sex and work to make sex fun and mutually satisfying.
Learn to love yourself and take care of yourself. Do you have problems with relationships? Stop being mean to yourself. Stop putting others before you. Stop denying yourself. Start loving yourself and pamper yourself for a change. Take this one seriously.
Learn to manage power. This is a big one. Couples have to learn to manage power in their relationships. Start discussing these issues early. Discuss salaries, payment of bills, savings and decision making in the relationship. Physical and emotional abuses occur when couples have not learnt to manage power.
Having problems? All relationships have their challenging moments and early professional help may assist you work through your problems.
Learn to forgive. Let go of the past. Past mistakes. Past hurt. Past relationships. At the same time your partner should not expect you to be forgiving every day, nor should you be expected to suffer pain and hurt every day.
If you are not happy and secure in your current relationship, consider your options. Why stick around in a relationship that is not working for you? Start loving yourself and work toward your happiness. We all deserve to be happy.
Wendel Abel is a consultant psychiatrist and senior lecturer, University of the West Indies; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
