EMOTIONAL ABUSE is much more widespread than physical abuse, it appears, and often is a precursor to violence in relationships.
The form of abuse, for obvious reasons, is not as easily identifiable. There are no bruises on the skin or broken limbs to indicate that it has taken place. The damage, says Mrs. Loreen McFarlane, counsellor attached to Woman Incorporated in Kingston, takes place inside.
We identify emotional abuse "very often by how you feel after you have heard what was said."
Emotional abuse includes yelling, berating, unkind comments, verbal threats, screaming or simply attempts to reduce one's self-confidence.
"You might be called stupid, fool fool," the counsellor said, or the perpetrator might consistently attribute the worst motives to your actions.
"If you stay out late it is because you were seeing a man. He comments that you are a whore. If you went out with women friends he might say that you and they are lesbians."
Ignoring a person is also a great form of abuse, she added, noting that it includes the "silent treatment and distancing of self. There is no level of communication."
Alternatively, everything you say might be rebutted and contradicted.
Emotional abuse therefore manifests itself in many different ways. The question we ask this week is, how does one end or get out of situations in which one is targeted for this kind of abuse?
"First, individuals have to determine that they are uncomfortable with the way they are being treated and come in for counselling," Mrs. McFarlane says. "You can only get help when you admit something is wrong."
Change is necessary
In counselling you will relate what is happening and your counsellor will lead you into accepting that change is necessary.
Walking away from emotional abuse is not as simple as it appears, the counsellor notes, because many victims frequently begin to believe the things which are being said about them.
"After a time they begin to believe that it is true and there is the lowering of self-esteem." The counsellor will help the victim to reverse the negative beliefs which have been implanted and so rescue themselves from a pattern which can lead to physical violence and even death.
The following account of emotional and physical abuse is given by a woman (identity undisclosed as requested) who said that it took her five years to walk away from her abuser.
IT'S A thing like this, I was living with him for some time before we got married. I did not know that he was an alcoholic. He would hide the bottles and things from me. He promised to stop when I found out. On a whole, as a woman, you see the potential and you want to ignore the signs. You just believe, yes, he would change.
After we lived together, I thought I knew him. Believe you me, he cooled down from the drinking to show me he was not an alcoholic. But then he started to drink more. I conditioned myself to stay because we were now married.
When anything happened, although he was a very quiet person he would get very violent in the sense that he would start to curse. Nobody would know this as I am the outspoken one. He is the one who is quiet.
After a while, I became a Christian. I thought that bringing God into our lives would make things different. I did not know that giving my life to God would be the end of my marriage. He (my husband) said he did not marry a Christian and he did not want to live with one. The next five years were a living nightmare.
He made sure I did not sleep for weeks, months. He would come home from work and sleep until I was ready to sleep. He would then start to nag me the whole night until 3 in the morning. If I wanted to sleep he would wake me up. He also started to say he did not want to live with me I must get out. After this, he started to physically abuse me. He would get upset for absolutely nothing. It was like he could not wait to come home to start behaving bad. Then he started to threaten to kill me. The first time he told me, he said he was going into the kitchen for the knife and he was not going to stop stabbing me until he killed me with it.
I asked God, how can someone say he loves you and be doing this?
God has changed me so much. All I could do was pray. I said to him 'it does not have to be this way'. I even took him to church to show him what it was about. But he got worse.
He also sexually abused me. I could not deal with it anymore. I would absent myself from church half of the time just to please him. Once he caught me praying and he just tore off my clothes. He said he did not want any prayer in his house.
He told the neighbours everything I did in the house. When I came out in the mornings and saw them I could not cope. I went back in. I could not believe this was the same person I got married to.
When I got a nervous break down and could not do anything to help myself, and had to stop working, he stopped (the abuse) for about two months and then started right back again.
Just walk away
Eventually, I left. It was devastating. The first thing I thought was, how am I going to face the world? So many people knew me. Leaving him was shameful, but then I said people would say I am an idiot, I should have run for my life. The police told me that in many instances women would not die (be killed) if they would just walk away.
His sisters, his friends were asking him what I had done that was so wrong. They encouraged me to leave.
When I left the first day, it not so hard. It was when I started unpacking my clothes the next day that I started thinking about all the effort I had put into making the house a home. I have never felt hurt, felt such pain so in all my entire life. For three days all I had was water. I could not eat anything. I prayed and I asked God to help me to forgive me.
I then started to encourage myself, saying things like, this was not the end of my life. I saw others with broken marriages. I started to look at myself in the mirror. My sister told me. 'look at yourself, you are beautiful, young, you can make it'.
I started to lose weight. I started eating right. But, I started to hate men with a passion. Whenever one would call to me, if he ever knew what was going on inside me he would not. Even at church I was unable to tell the pastor how I felt until one deacon's wife came to me and encouraged me.
I started going to the gym, doing exercises.
It was very difficult where money was concerned. But I started to look at myself (and believe that I could be happy). He had told me I am worse than a prostitute. He was trying to make me get such low self-esteem.
I started to work on myself. After one year I told myself, 'you have to make it'. You left this man with God, show him you are going to make it. I started to go back to school. I started to work harder. I started to use my hands to do things and sell.
When I had no money, I prayed. Looking on myself now, I ask, why did I not walk away from it a long time ago? But it was just the right time. I am glad I had support from other people. I have promised never to let it happen again. I have stopped hating men. It was one man that hurt me, not all men. Sometimes it comes back to haunt me but 'God', I say, 'help me through this'.
I tell other women, 'you can't give up. Once you give up, you give him the opportunity to say she has left me and look what has happened to her'.
Now, I am not going to say it does not come back. But, I am glad that I walked out with God. Even when I have callaloo and no meat to eat it does not affect me. When bills are there to be paid and I don't see a way out, God always comes through for me on time.
If I had stayed, I knew I would have died. I will encourage other women if your marriage has failed it is not the end of your life. You can do it. Walk away.
I was a victim, now I am a survivor.
Outlook Team
