Sidney McGillSidney McGill
MANY WOMEN complain of a lack of intimacy in their relationship with their husbands or boyfriends, and that their sexual relationship is largely physical, devoid of passion and intimacy. And so, in this and a later article, we will explore what intimacy is, how it develops and how to improve it.
Intimacy can be defined in two ways: firstly, as a characteristic of a person, and secondly, as a characteristic of a relationship:
1. Intimacy as a characteristic of a person: Intimacy is openness, honesty, self-disclosure, caring, warmth, protecting and helping. It is being devoted to another, being attentive and committed. Intimacy is surrendering control and dropping defences. And lastly, it is becoming emotional, and feeling distressed when separated from your partner.
2. Intimacy as a characteristic of a relationship: Intimacy is mutual self-disclosure and other kinds of verbal sharing, as declarations of liking and loving the other, and as demonstrations of affection (Perlman & Fehr, 1987).
Intimacy therefore could be summarised as 'the quality of a relationship that is characterised by commitment, feelings of closeness and trust, and self-disclosure'.
HOW INTIMACY DEVELOPS
The teenage years are perhaps the most crucial years in developing a sense of identity and ability to form close relationships. Erikson's theory of psychosocial development emphasises the attainment of intimacy as the key developmental challenge of youth. It is at this time that moral, spiritual, educational and psycho-social skills are tested against the backdrop of physiological changes in the body and socio-cultural influences.
Adolescents who do not attain the skills of intimacy, especially with their parents and later with their peers, are destined to struggle to form enduring, healthy, close relationships or fear it for the rest of their lives. Struggling with leftover needs from childhood, the adolescent tries to establish an identity and create the opportunities for intimacy through sexual involvement, hence the occurrence of pregnancy among teenage girls and 'sowing wild oats' among teenage boys.
MEASURING YOUR INTIMACY
What was your adolescent social life like? Did you feel accepted by your mother and father during your childhood years? Were you allowed to express anger and fear? Were you treated as if your feelings were important to them? Or did you feel that you were only a number who was constantly criticised, beaten and cussed out when you misbehaved?
To measure intimacy in your relationship, you first should look at the level of commitment, cognitive and physical closeness and positive emotions you and your partner experience in the relationship. The emphasis is on closeness or sharing on four dimensions emotional level, mental level and physical level, and last but not least, spiritual level. Intimacy is one of three components necessary for a fulfilling relationship. The other two are passion and commitment. Evaluate the level of intimacy in your current relationship by answering the following questions.
1. How often do you confide very personal information with your partner?
2. How often are you able to understand his or her feelings?
3. How often do you feel close to him or her?
4. How important is your relationship with him or her in your life?
Your answers will give you a rough idea of the level of intimacy you currently experience in your committed relationship. Intimacy is not emotional dependence or a show of emotional weakness. It is creative self-giving and the courage to be honest with who you really are in your relationship. Men especially must develop the courage to be transparent rather than believe that silence is strength. Their silences only indicate their fear of the
consequence of self-disclosure.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage
and family therapist and executive
director of Family Counselling
of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
