Nashauna Drummond, Staff Reporter TWENTY-SIX YEAR-OLD Damion Lesleyalways felt that his father never really understood or valued his accomplishments.
As the first son, he knew his father had high hopes for him. He knew too it didn't help matters when he didn't follow in the footsteps of his
studious older sister, now a medical doctor.
"Being second in line to an older 'scholarly'
sister, the underachiever stereotype was first 'inflicted' by my father. Now, I am not jealous of my sister's achievements because as I grew older and learnt more about how the world works, I eventually created my own dreams and aspirations. This clashed with my father's dreams and so anything I strived for, as long as it wasn't what he wanted, it was never satisfactory," said Lesley.
"In the early days he compared my educational achievements to those of my sister and that was emotionally damaging. I think that has helped sway my life into certain directions where it probably wouldn't have gone. But the worst damage was what was never done. My parents (especially my dad), never enquired into what I wanted, they never tried to see what I was seeing in order to make an informed opinion of whether my choices were actually good ones. As long as it wasn't what they wanted then it was never 'good enough.'
"Mom had a hard life growing up, so she was determined to provide a life for her children and give us opportunities that she did not have. She was always positive about my choices so I had her support. She would say, 'You can only do your best and that's what matters.' Dad, on the other hand, believed that since my sister was always studying, if I did the same, then I would be what he wanted me to be.
"I spent the greater part of my working years trying to do something with my life so that Dad would have something to brag to his friends about just as he would about my sister... but to no avail. Even half-way through university pursuing a particular major, he still asked if I wasn't interested in a field that he liked.
"It was very depressing to finally get somewhere with my goals then hear that it did not please him, or have him point out that my career choice 'isn't a good one.' It totally shoots your heart down.
"Trust, faith and then respect eventually disappeared from our relationship and it was a downhill nightmare after that. Our verbal fights increased and sometimes he would say, 'You know we love you and we are proud of you but ....' and he got back to judging. We became very distant. Yet he was my dad and I knew I would be around him for a long time to come so it definitely felt like a
mental prison.
"He never listened to me. All I wanted him to do was recognise my own achievements. He never said, 'Damion good job', or 'Damion, nice try but you can try again'... It was always about me being wrong or not going to him to hear his opinion.
"I couldn't please him with 'brains' so I tried to please him with possessions and success. I moved out as soon as I could afford it and took on car payments. I tried to portray the image of 'achievement' by putting myself in debt just so I could get him to feel good that I had 'made it in life.' But, of course, that left me 'hanging my hat where I couldn't reach it' and my 'financial cookie crumbled' leaving me once again as an underachiever.
"I eventually came to my senses and realised that I needed to get back to my own goals."
FIGHTING BACK
(Damion has since emigrated to the United States of America).
"I left because there are better job opportunities here. I have bills and debts and a young daughter's future to plan. Also working in a corrupt country was stifling me especially when that position allowed my dad to criticise me.
"Here I get to take my own calculated chances and work on them and find my niche and provide a better life for myself. When I rebuild my financial base he will back off and finally see that I can actually do well at my own thing. That's all I ever wanted him to recognise. So, hopefully, he'll be just as proud. You can't change people but if just do what you know you can do, they will have no choice but to respect you for it later."
Name changed to protect the individual's privacy.
