Dan Rather
HAVE YOU heard about the new study revealing that parents pay closer attention to the health and safety of attractive children than unattractive ones? No, folks, I'm not making this up: Researchers at the University of Alberta observed supermarket shoppers with little ones in tow and found that the cute kids were treated with far more care than the, um, not-so-cute kids.
When confronted with this kind of cutting-edge science, the first thought that comes to mind is: Boy, those Canadians must have a lot of time on their hands. When you're a teenager, hanging out all day at the supermarket is called loitering; but when you're a professor or graduate student at the University of Alberta, I guess it's called "research" or maybe "loitering with intent."
The second thought that comes to mind is: OK, that's what they're telling us about their research but what are they not telling us? Well, your reporter has been doing some digging, and it turns out that the attractive-child findings are just the proverbial tip of the cowlick for scientists north of the border. So here, exclusively, are some of the other shocking discoveries to arise from the fascinating and still-emerging field of OFARE (Observation of Families At Retail Establishments) Studies.
The Cereal Tipping Point A team of psychologists from the Quebec Institute for Advanced Studies staked out the cereal aisle of a major supermarket chain and concluded that the average number of "Mom, pleeeeeeases" it takes for a mother to give in to a child's demands for a given high-sugar cereal can now be fixed decisively at 3.7. Further, the rapidity and urgency of the child's requests lies in direct proportion to whether or not the cereal in question contains mini marshmallows and/or a prize inside the box.
The APR Effect A new study undertaken by the Saskatchewan Polytechnic Institute found that families visiting car dealerships display an overwhelming tendency to bring children possessing strong mathematical aptitudes with them into the showroom, while kids who lack the ability to manipulate large sums in their heads are, seven times out of 10, told to "go play in the lot." And on the way home, the math prodigies are much more likely to "sit on daddy's lap," "steer" and "get to toot the horn" than their less-gifted siblings.
The Home Depot Syndrome The Ottawa Technical College discovered that any child, male or female, who accompanies his or her father to a hardware store and refrains from expressions of crushing boredom for a period of not less than 20 minutes will, until they reach majority, be conferred with "favourite child" status. Surprisingly, though, there are negative associations for the child who takes this too far any actual expressions of interest in drywall, nuts, bolts, brackets and screws are likely to be "rewarded" with perpetual apprenticeship on said father's "home improvement" projects.
Finally, there are the conclusive findings of the Newfoundland A&M Sociology Department After intensive study of family behaviour at shopping malls, it has been determined that a full 100 per cent of adolescent children will ditch their parents within the first minute of entrance, with the average speed of dismissal standing at just under 4.5 seconds. In less than a quarter of these cases is there any acknowledgment by said teens of parental requests to "meet in front of Nordstrom's in two hours."
That's it for now from the bold frontiers of Canadian science. But you can be sure we'll keep you apprised of breaking news, as developments warrant whether you were an attractive kid or not.
Dan Rather is a television broadcaster.
