Melville Cooke
SUNDAY WILL be, for many, almost a National Day of mourning. It will be the prescribed Father's Day. In this much bandied about matter of totally absent, slightly distant and withdrawn (pun intended) fathers, the statistics are slippery, and accurate as a prematurely done pregnancy test.
What I do know is that I can name, among my parents' friends, my older relatives and the people in my generation, a slew of real fathers, men who have stood up very well to the results of standing up.
In addition, I see many, many men taking their children to the basic school my two daughters attend. Certainly, that is no indication of a harmonious relationship between mother and father, but the fact is that they all have not run off as would often be implied, especially by women.
What said women would do well to understand is that they have a say in the making of the father of their child and while there are those who are well and truly tricked, I know and know of too many who have got the 'baby fathers' they deserved. Unfortunately, that also means that the child got the sperm donor they did not deserve.
Women often choose their mates based on wealth or appearances of wealth. To that I add what is categorised as 'good looks', choice of cologne, sharp pants seams, a nice tie, manicured nails, CD collection, multi-syllabic dexterity - everything, then, but the basic requirements for being a good father. Or even a father any at all, come to think of it.
SERIOUS RESPONSIBILITIES
Among those requirements are a sense of responsibility, willingness to sacrifice personal wants and even needs for the good of their family, a realisation that being supportive means more than coughing up a cheque and planning ahead, among many other factors.
And these qualities do not magically come about when ambitious sperm meets receptive egg. So if a man is irresponsible towards a woman, chances are he will be to her child. If a man prefers to buy clothes over starting a savings account before he has a child, chances are, that when his brand of choice changes from Hilfiger to Huggies, he will resent it. If a man spends more time preening and pruning himself than he does with his lady, then chances are he is so impressed with himself that he really does not need the company of a bawling bundle of joy.
ABSENT AND DELINQUENT FATHERS
To get fatherhood right, a woman must try to get fatherhood right.
In this matter of absent and delinquent fathers, what must also be taken into consideration is vicious, vindictive (and even vapid) 'baby mothers', wives and ex-wives, who make it extremely unpleasant for the man to have contact with his child or children. So two people have a child together and the man decides he no longer wants this relationship and moves on.
This is no cause for the mother to be a bitch, frankly speaking.
Or, worse case scenario, the man did not want a child in the first place and a 'breeding' was arranged by pin to condom, tossing out the pills, slipping out the coil or taking off the patch, in the hope that it would be a permanent bond. How do you think that man is going to feel about the child? It is no excuse to be totally absent, but if I were in that situation I would not be a happy camper either.
So, let us not beat down the Dads among us. And let us not ignore the woman's role in fatherhood, good or bad.
Melville Cooke is a freelance writer.
