Sidney McGill
SOCIAL SCIENTISTS have discovered that male infants are actually more emotionally expressive than female babies at birth, and for several months afterwards. William Pollack, in Real Boys, goes further to show how boys, by the time they reach elementary school, are forced, by what he calls 'The Boy Code', to begin the arduous task of masking their emotional expressiveness by a shaming process.
The mission to brainwash boys to think that their pain, sadness and dependence are wrong is pervasive. As Pollack puts it: "Boys learn the Boy Code in sandboxes, playgrounds, schoolrooms, camps, churches, and are taught by peers, coaches, teachers, and just about everybody else." The Boy Code seems to be in overdrive among young adolescent males who must define who they are by toughening up and pretending that they are experts on relationships and sex.
SHAMING PROCESS
The chorus of 'The Boy Code' resonates at a feverish pitch in the schoolyards of Jamaica. If you can find the time, go to a high school during recess or lunch time and sit and listen to the Boy Code at work. Sit long enough and you'll hear boys calling their peers who are not abiding by the code (by showing any form of weakness) various demeaning names.
The shaming process starts in childhood and continues into men's young adulthood lives. It is one of the reasons why men do not visit the doctor for regular medical check-ups or even when they are ill. It is one of the reasons why men who are involved in committed relationships that have long gone sour still refuse to get help from a professional counsellor or take risks and die too soon. Even the epidemic of rapid ejaculation problems among young men is partly due to the strict demands of the Boy Code to perform sexually or else be relegated to the dump heap of failed masculinity.
Although the code has some use in defining how tomorrow's men ought to act, such as being protectors of their families (especially their mothers), it uses a broad brush approach to paint any male who does not readily fit the stereotype of a certain brand of masculinity a failure. If Jamaican masculinity is only about not behaving like a woman and the chronic use of homophobia is used to keep him straight, then the prospect of improving family life and reducing sexual irresponsibility is nothing more than a pipe dream.
STAY CLOSE TO SONS
Some boys may not be ready to attend kindergarten at three years old and should be kept at home a bit longer until they are ready to separate from their mothers freely. They are not expected to be like girls but should be allowed to be themselves and to express their pain and preferences without being scolded because their behaviours seem 'feminine' to you. Resist the Boy Code by staying emotionally close to your son.
Don't take for granted that when he says he is fine, that he is. It could be the Boy Code at work, masking his loneliness and vulnerability. Keep abreast with not only his academic performance but also his behaviour in class. Is his behaviour at home different from that at school? If you suspect something ask him about it in a non-threatening way to encourage him to talk about it. If his grade suddenly falls, this is a sign that something is definitely wrong.
Check it out. It could be a bad experience at home or problems at school that he is reacting to. Identify the masks your son puts on and keep in touch with his emotional life.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director at Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
