Sidney McGill
RICARDO'S SUSPENSION from school for stealing lunches from school bags and the regular disappearance of money and jewellery that his mother left on her dresser had got out of hand. Ricardo was depressed and the stealing was his way of feeling high occasionally. His depression was rooted in the fact that he desperately wanted to find out who, his father was and where he was, but his questions were always met with avoidant answers, such as "What happen to your uncles? Them treat you like a father as far as I can see."
Every child in Jamaica has the right to know about his/her father.
FATHERS ARE IMPORTANT
A man's genetic contribution has a serious lifelong impact on his child. It gives him the right to be called 'father' even after he forgets the short-term sexual pleasure, which was his main goal. For his daughter, he influences her ability to choose appropriate male partners, and to maintain healthy intimate relationships. For his son, he influences the boy's sense of manhood and affects his ability to function in committed relationships. In fact, children with involved fathers are better able to handle difficult feelings and circumstances with grace. Dads, therefore, play a lead role in their children's emotional mastery skills development.
Children without functional fathers are emotionally disadvantaged, and mothers must learn that they do their children a further disservice when they bad-mouth the children's father in their presence. In one sense she holds herself up as the messiah who endures physical and psychological pain and persists in being the best parent the child could desire, but in the same breath she effectively tarnishes the child's sense of identity because who she despises is a critical aspect of the child's being - his/her father.
Fathers are fathers even if they became fathers by getting a girl pregnant after one sexual experience. They are fathers even if their social class is much below the maternal side of the child's family. They are fathers if they have the 'wrong' complexion, uneducated, unemployed and are mentally or physically challenged. They are fathers even if they are unfaithful spouses. They are still fathers if they are serving time in prison.
Fathers who are separated or divorced from the child's mother may continue to be involved in the child's life, not just become distant and only play a minor role or disappear altogether from the child's life.
Often money becomes a substitute for love and attention. Many divorced or separated fathers are depressed and need to be treated if they want to be good fathers. But what about the stepfather who has given up trying to be a father to his stepson or stepdaughter who has rejected him? The stepfather must be encouraged to continue demonstrating his love toward this stepchild while trying to sort out the relationship between the biological father and the child with the assistance of an experienced counsellor.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director at the Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
