Ivret Williams
TWO WEEKS ago you walked down the aisle with the most wonderful girl in the world. You have never been happier. Each day you marvel at your good luck. I hate to 'burst your bubble' but if you got married to a 'daddy's little princess' my sympathy goes out to you.
Did anyone warn you that when you carried your 'blushing' bride over the threshold, her mummy and daddy would be two steps behind? Did anyone tell you that the love of your life would always be daddy's little girl? You were attracted to the looks and lifestyle of the little princess with the instructions that she must be kept in the lifestyle to which she is accustomed. To keep her happy you are expected to give her the fancy doll house with all the latest toys. No problem! However you were not told that mummy and daddy must be kept up to date on everything that goes on in the doll house. The warning signs were there but because you were so much in love you ignored them.
In debt forever
The blindfold was the cheque that was given to 'help' in the acquisition of the doll house. You were told that it was a gift. Your joy knew no bounds as you relished in your good fortune, not knowing that this 'gift' will keep you in debt forever. If it had been a loan then you would have been able to pay it off. However let me give you a rundown of what will happen in the future. After a while 'innocent purchases' will be made by mom and dad which are intended to keep you obligated forever. You will settle down in a pseudo comfort zone not knowing that every gift is intended to keep you under control. Mummy and daddy will dictate everything that happens in the doll house. Every suggestion you make concerning the doll will be double checked by mom and dad and if they are not in agreement, it will never be heeded. If you voice your disagreement, you will be reminded of how lucky you are and you should not be so ungrateful. After a while you will realise that the one or two times you decide to stand up and let your voice be heard, you will be placed in the dog house.
You will try to wean your wife from her parents' hold but the process will be hard. She cannot say no to her parents nor does she have the ability to stand up to them. She was raised by authoritarian parents who controlled her entire life. These parents do not encourage a great deal of give and take, believing rather, that they know best what is right for their children, irrespective of their age. These parents will even decide the career choice and choice of mate for their children. When one considers that 75 per cent of one personality is formed before age seven, the children from these homes have learnt to be dependent on authority and as a consequence, typically have fewer opportunities for making personal choices. These children are considered to be low in self-esteem. This could be attributed to the too few opportunities to test their own wings in ways they would want. Unless there is some major intervention, the attitudes and lifestyles these children develop will stay with them throughout their lives. Although daddy has given his princess in marriage, let me advise you, he is still in charge. He simply transferred his dictatorship into his daughter's home. Having ruled his daughter's life for so long, he is unable to let go.
Autonomy
How do I know so much? I am married to a 'daddy's little princess'. After one year of post-marital frustrations I was informed by a counsellor that if either the husband or the wife has not been fully emancipated from their parents, it is best not to live near them. The parents will find it impossible to grant them autonomy. I decided to investigate and found out that the relationship with mom and dad ended years ago and my little princess has been the bond that had kept the union together. To let her go would reveal the farce that was being paraded as a 'happy marriage'. Their 35 years of marital bliss is hinged to mom ignoring dad's private affairs by being a 'social alcoholic' and keeping herself occupied with a very active social calendar. I began to understand why the two previous eligible suitors were never suitable.
I have tried to get my wife to agree to us moving farther away, but have been unsuccessful in my attempts. I love my princess and each day I hope and pray that they will release her so we can become one. My advice to those parents who insist on dictating their children's lives, you are only successful as a parent when you have not only given your children roots, but given them wings. My friend, do you know the difference between a shark and a controlling parent? The shark will eventually let go.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Send enquries and comments to letstalk relationships@yahoo.com
