Sidney McGill
Dear Reader,
Thank you for responding to last week's article on 'respecting the father'. You mentioned a number of points in your email but unfortunately I can only address one at this time. I am sorry to hear that your father, stepfather and your son's father (all significant men in your life) have been disappointing fathers. I am also concerned about the trend extending to your 20-year- old son as well. What are the things that are common to all four men?
My guess is past unresolved hurt compounded by unforgiveness. But let us look at your own experiences with the men you mentioned. You said your father was "emotionally detached and the bad memories totally outweigh the good ones." The hurt you carried for your father and your son's hurt for his dad are similar. Do you see the transgenerational process at work?
UNDERSTANDING MEN'S WOUNDS
These selfish monsters were once fragile toddlers who nursed psychological scars because of growing up in an imperfect world full of trauma. And women make up their world too and produce their own brand of scars. In fact, one writer, DeVore, cited in Staff (1977), sees much of the masculine behaviour you describe as "a vast breeding experiment run by females." Lawrence Beymer in Meeting the Guidance and Counselling Needs of Boys states: "Each sex controls the behaviour of the other either by responding to or ignoring the signals emitted."
Men hurt women and women hurt men in an imperfect world. But men deal with their hurt differently than women. Take for example, your father's emotional detachment at home. It is usually his way of staying clear of unfamiliar emotional transactions that could expose his own weaknesses when he knows he must appear strong if he is to maintain his role as head of the house. Or "having multiple baby mothers, drinking 'til [he] falls down, using women ..." are symptoms of hurt and unforgiveness which your son's father displays. Since men think this imperfect world is a 'man's world', they save face and consider their sexual indiscretions, which evolved from their childhood scars, as trophies to boast among their peers.
BREAKING THE CYCLE
To break the cycle of hurt and unforgiveness that results in men's deficit in maintaining long-term intimate relationships is to begin the long and arduous exercise of forgiving your own dad for all the mess he caused in your own life. You know you have forgiven him when, instead of feeling anger or disinterest, you begin to have a greater understanding and insight into his personal issues and a new-found compassion that you show by letting him know how much you love him and forgive him.
Ask him also to forgive you and try to keep the line of communication open even if he maintains his emotional distance. I commend you for trying to straighten the jagged ties between your son and his father, which is somewhat similar to your mother showing respect for your dad in spite of his parental failures.
Next, you will have to repeat the forgiveness process for your son's father. Look into your own heart and sweep out every resentment you find there for every man, woman and child that offended you. Once you have done this you will begin to see more clearly the good in every person. Help your son through the forgiveness process too once you have begun your own healing.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director at the Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
