Counselling psychologist Avril Le Vel-James weighs in this week on the issue of whether men or women emerge from the marriage contract with more benefits.
AVRIL LE VEL-JAMES notes if you are currently married, divorced once or 10 times, a career bachelor, or just contemplating marriage, this article might be of interest to you.
She starts by defining marriage as the following:
1.The institution that legally, spiritually and culturally binds and recognises man and woman as partners.
2.It is ordained by God as the most valued and beautiful of all-human relationships and provides a fundamental social institution, which is central to the nurture and raising of children. (Reference to the creation of woman in the Genesis account.)
3.It is the 'social glue' that reliably attaches fathers to children.
4.There is documented evidence that it contributes to the physical, emotional and economic health of men, women and children.
Having said that, what are some general benefits of marriage?
Health and family science researchers cite the following as benefits of marriage:
a. Marriage tends to improve the way people think about themselves (increases self-esteem 'after tree na grow inna mi face'), their spouse, others and the future. With improved self-esteem the individual's world is brighter.
b. Marriage makes many become selfless husbands and wives are more likely to do unselfish things for each other and for their families than they would do for others if unmarried.
c. It seems to foster greater social awareness and responsibility individuals who are married are more responsible to their communities and the nation.
d. Individuals committed to one another in marriage can come home and find a place/space to understand each other deeply and redefine ways to fulfill their roles to themselves, their community and nation.
What are the physical health benefits of marriage:
Married people across cultures have better health than unmarried people.
Married individuals (females especially) have lower rates of alcoholism than their unmarried counterparts because they tend to offer encouragement, support, and protection from daily problems that could otherwise lead them to using alcohol and other drugs. The males sometimes resort to alcoholism as a coping mechanism the more demanding life becomes.
Married men and women have lower suicide rates than unmarried ones because married people have meaningful social networks of friends and relatives. Meaningful relationships give people a sense of personal value and a feeling of responsibility to others.
Married individuals have less illness, accidents, and murder; they are less likely to die from all causes, including heart disease, stroke, cancer, car accidents and murder.
Married individuals spend less time in hospitals and have higher recovery rates.
Married individuals tend to have stronger immune systems, making them less likely to catch colds and develop other illnesses than unmarried ones.
What are the emotional health benefits of marriage?
1.Married individuals have the lowest rates of depressions compared to the unmarried, especially during notable holiday periods.
2.They tend to handle stress and anxiety better than their unmarried counterparts because of morale support that is derived from the union.
3.Marriage tends to make individuals to be more motivated to do well at work and to persevere through stressful situations. (They have more financial overheads and demands and, one might say more to live for.)
4.Married persons are less likely to be lonely because they always have someone to share their thoughts, feelings, and lives with ( if it is even the 'outside partner'). Many times it appears as if people's attractiveness and values are raised with marriage they appear so much more attractive to members of the opposite sex. (I guess the forbidden always is more appealing.)
5.Married persons are more likely to report feeling hopeful, happy, and good about themselves. This is heavily dependent on the success of the marriage if it is in a state of decay the complete reverse is true.
6.Married couples have sex more often (very debatable) and enjoy it more physically and emotionally than their unmarried counterparts. (Couples report that frequency and quality many times decreases in keeping with the length of the marriage.)
What are the economical benefits of marriage?
a. Married couples have higher incomes than single men and women.
b. As a marriage endures, couples have more obligations to each other and tend to be more financially responsible, and more likely to save money. Example: a husband who is skilled at repairing things can save a lot of money for the family; same applies to a wife who is skilled at managing money.
It is important to remember that when marriage partners pool their physical, emotional and economic resources together, the marriage, the family, the community and nation benefits.
Against this background let's evaluate and see which sex has the greater share of the pie.
Physical
Men benefit more physically in terms of sexual fulfilment, birth of children without much physical implications, but have higher stress levels re financial obligations.
Men gain a personal helper to do household chores, and a baby-sitter.
Women benefit more with the physical bond and joy of child birth.
Emotional
Women usually benefit more as they receive more companionship, communication and understanding from the children of the union. Many times the husbands complain that they end up being treated as just a financial source, problem solver, sperm donor and an emotional punching bag by their personal families and the wider society. Many times there is emotional support for the man until the arrival of children.
Economic
Women benefit more as there is still the notion that the man is the main bread winner - and in some households the rule that applies is what is produced by the man is for the entire family but that which is produced by the female is hers. There are no negative implications for a mother/wife who does not work but the same is not true of her male counterpart.
If the woman remarries, her children become the financial responsibility of the new husband - usually the man has to abandon his other children both financially and emotionally.
If there is separation and divorce the man still has financial obligation to his wife and children - in fact the court of the land perceives that the man has a social/translated as economic role in the family.
Reasons why marriage is sometimes a bad deal for one partner
1.You may be married to the wrong partner - someone else's (The person to whom you are married may not be ordained or destined to be your life long partner but you 'swim against the tide' and tied the knot)
2.Members of the union may have different concepts of life and fundamental issues such as love, infidelity, sexual practices and preferences, having children.
3.The negative impact of being from different social backgrounds.
4.One partner may completely destroy him/herself and in turn destroy the marriage as the partner complains that the person who was married no longer exists.
5.The negative influences of the extended family.
6.The presence of step children or extended family members living with the couple.
7.Secrets discovered after marriage.
The consequences of our current retreat from marriage are a social order that is in chaos, and wide spread human suffering. The results of the marriage retreat are not merely personal or religious. When men and women fail to form stable marriages, the first result is an expansion of government attempts to cope with the terrible social needs that result. Much that government spends on social programmes is as a result to a large extent, due to family fragmentation: crime, poverty, drug abuse, teen pregnancy, school failure, mental and physical health problems.
Interestingly, elderly singles spend more of their years in nursing homes or more disgracefully in our infirmaries or poor houses as they are popularly known.
- Information provided by Avril Le-Vel James, counselling psychologist attached to Family Life Ministries.
