Sidney McGill
I come to my garden, my sister, my bride;
I gather my myrrh with my spice,
I eat my honeycomb with my honey
I drink my wine with my milk
Eat friends, drink, and be drunk with love.
(Song 5:1)
THE CRUX of Part 1 (published two week's ago) was to show that what constitutes infidelity is much more than heterosexual extramarital penetrative sex. Infidelity is getting involved with ongoing excessive relational activities (personal or work related) that overload us emotionally or satisfy emotional needs that the sexual union should satisfy.
From the previous article I took a sexual temperature of Joan and Oniel's sexual condition and found that both partners have been unfaithful because the sexual love they express in thought or in action is directed outside the union. Sexual love constitutes a large part of our journey toward "vital self-fulfilment". The self can find fulfilment in striving for a promotion or involvement in self-actualisation ventures. If much time and energy is spent in this pursuit it reduces the amount of sexual energy left for sexual gratification in the committed relationship. Many sexual partners try to bring back the "myrrh with spice" by engaging in partner swapping and unusual sexual practices.
Paul, in 1 Corinthians, speaks of the need to confine sexual love within the boundaries of marriage and to make one's partner's body become one's own responsibility, and vice versa. He exhorts his readers not to withhold sex from their partners for long unless mutually agreed on, and then only for a designated period of time. If sex and emotional intimacy are withheld without mutual consent then the "myrrh with... spice," "honeycomb with ... honey," and "wine with ... milk" begin to dry up. And the tendency is to look outside of the marital boundaries for emotional nourishment. A major goal, therefore, of the marriage is to ensure that the sexual needs of the spouses are taken care of.
THE PURPOSE OF THE RELATIONSHIP
Are you accustomed to having sex with many sexual partners and are now struggling to stay faithful in your current relationship? Do you want the union to last a lifetime? What is the long-term goal of the union? Other than for love and perhaps having children, what is your mission statement for being together? What is the value system you plan to use to achieve your vision for this partnership? Do you have a sexual compulsion? After defining the relationship for yourself, look at your sexual history and assess your ability to stay faithful.
PROGNOSIS
Paul Tillich in Systematic Theology II states that we cannot control or order our destructive "compulsions" "except by the power of that which happens to [us] in the root of these compulsions." What he means is that sexual compulsions take root at the elemental level of our being and is resolved through God's intervention at the same level of the compulsion if lasting healing is to occur. Like a recovering addict who knows well that although he is ready and willing to do something about his addiction, he is not able. He will need God's intervention and the support of others to break the cycle of addiction, so should the sexually-compulsive person seek God's help and the support of a partner to start the healing process.
With the excessive sexual distractions around us we must become vigilant farmers who nurture and protect the crops in our gardens so that we can eat and drink to our heart's content without having to hanker for what is not ours across the fence.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
