"Never let a woman know how much you love her, she will do things to hurt you."
CAN'T GET the man you love to marry you? Dr. Lyndon Johnson, family counsellor based on the south coast, admits that he has not observed a shortage of men who are scared to death of marriage in Jamaica.
He says, too, that there are more than enough reasons why this is so.
For some men, it is a matter of upbringing and socialisation. They may have grown in a situation where they had no examples of a committed relationship. Their grandfathers, fathers, neighbours were all a flux of people drifting from flower to flower.
They observe this and were also literally taught that commitment is for 'idiots' by other males 'on the corner'. In these corner discussions, women are not elevated to positions of equality, they are treated as things. Mention of the other sex is made in a derogatory way.
"When this male thinks of the female therefore, it is never as a queen, not someone with enough value ascribed that will cause him to carry a sense of responsibility. Instead, she is someone to be used and discarded," says Dr. Johnson.
The corner conversation is also influenced by the slavery plantation culture from the time when our forefathers, as slaves, were dehumanised. They were objects of commerce.
Masters on the plantation would never encourage bonding and the development of stable relationships. This was so that when he sold Buck the slave, nobody would cry.
Breed them and forget them
Buck the slave was also used to impregnate as many females as possible. The slave master literally encouraged the male slave to breed them and forget them. "This became a part of our psyche," says Dr. Johnson. "The youth are still talking about how much baby mothers they have, never about how well they are looking after them."
The slave past, he says, still contributes to the problem of mis-socialisation. Many men have no idea that commitment in a stable relationship is possible.
Apart from the way they have been socialised, some men are feeling plain fear.
This might be the result of a broken heart, either theirs or that of someone close to them. In many instances, says Dr. Johnson, it is the father's heart that was broken and the bitterness spewed on them. They grow up hearing that woman 'mash up' their father's life. Therefore, to be protected from such pain they need to build walls around themselves. When they find themselves falling in love, they run.
Running is part of the natural instinct built into us for self-preservation. When some men reach a point in the relationship which they know is decisive, rather than go forward, they immediately retreat because they know the responsibility involved and are afraid of the price to be paid.
Fear is a major problem affecting men who do not speak of this. There are many other reasons, but the real reason is fear. The song 'never let a woman know how much you love her, she will do things to hurt you' is the mantra used by some of these who genuinely believe that if you ever let a woman know how much you love her, you become vulnerable to her and to hurt.
Other men also fear the financial responsibilities that come with commitment. Family will interfere with plans to buy clothes and other bling-bling.
Email Dr. Lyndon Johnson at lbjohnson@cwjamaica.com
