MY DEARS, there are many within our ranks who affect the role of the Philistine, when out socially, but they too like the vast majority of Jamaicans, not only have an appreciation for life's finer bounties, they indulge the senses whenever circumstances and/or occasions allow for it.Mind you, there are those who are just plain bongo and really do not know a fish from a steak knife. And forget the other commonplace executions that attend at a proper dinner, as these bongos are more at home slurping, burping and/or licking their fingers, in public, masking their ignorance of the real purpose of the side plate, the butter-knife, or even the finger bowl.
And we are not talking about the affected 'pinkey-finger' raised odiously when sipping on a glass of Champagne; red wine and or even at tea. We are talking about people drinking from their finger bowl; a lady sitting down to lunch at a table set to reflect the courses being served, and yet this rather hapless St. Andrew housewife beckons the waiter and in a rather uppity tone, demanding that she be brought a proper knife. Well the waiter quite condescendingly pointed out that indeed the 'lady' was having fish, and the setting hosted a fish-knife.
The red-faces around the dining table have stuck in this here scribe's memory. So too is the very common practice by many on the social scene, who affect a passion and appreciation for red wine, but when served a perfectly fine glass of this marvellous elixir, will despoil same, by adding a cube of ice, 'to cool it down'.
INDULGING
And one can hardly forget the drama at a wine and food festival sometime ago, when scores of guests, affecting the right pose and character, gobbled up mounds of cheese, with wax wrapper still in place.
Dears, the rule here is very simple, it better to ask how to proceed, rather than to proceed and make yourself the laughing stock of those you are trying to impress.
When it comes to sitting down to dine, the old rule here is for each course, you start with the silverware on the left, and work your way in and then up. And if you are still in doubt, then look to the host for guidance, meaning you pattern your progress, based on the host's lead.
Mind you, not that all those who would be arbiters, have the required social schooling. And so looking to the host for direction could be equally disastrous. One recalls years ago being a guest at a dinner party in the home of a government official who served up fabulous fare and ended dinner with servings of some fabulously tasting imported ice-cream, but only after she had announced that she had placed it into the microwave (a novelty at the time) to help the defrosting process.
SPOILS
Her stocks that came in at an all time high at the beginning of the evening had fallen somewhat significantly in the early stages of the gathering when one guest had requested a glass of red wine. She said there might be a few bottles in stock, but they could be spoilt because she had had them in stock for a long, long time, and thought that they might have been spoilt.
Mind you, not spoilt as in going corky, but spoilt by reason of them being aged.
Well, nobody was impolite enough to snicker, or even voice any advice to this really gracious host, after her comment for what proved a most delightful handful of bottles of Chateauneuff du Pape, (the year escapes memory), but when she served up the ice-cream in her dainty little crystal bowls and some huge tablespoons, one guest could not resist the temptation, to dip his soup-spoon into the ice-cream, bring it up to face level and blow gust of air on it as if to cool it down.
Needles to say, the commentary was lost on our dear host.
Now, there are hosts who do not know, and others who are studiously aloof in their ignorance and propagate same with the fervour of the religious zealot, as is the case of those who insist the red wine should be served at roomtemperature (one is almost tempted to excuse those who opt to cool it down with the ice cube).
My dears, in old wine country, room temperature was derived from a formula that saw wines being stored in cold, dank cellars that added to the ageing and purification process, to be removed from the cold cellar and left in a room to be decanted before serving. It was by virtue of this cooling down process, that room temperature, became the norm for serving red wine.
Now, those who insist on serving red wine at room temperature here in the tropics, without the intervening cellar process, not only do a disservice to red wine, they in fact hasten the deterioration of the product, and in insisting on abiding to this doctrine of room temperature, despoil the taste of libations that are really at their best, first 'chilled' then cooled before serving.
In this respect, the crisper of the refrigerator can do the job of the cellar, as there's nothing more vile or vulgar than acidic red wine, made so by the heat and improper storage, assaulting the sensitive palate.
So, ignore those profilers you see about town, and their studious but empty posture, that is based on ignorance, rather than knowledge.
The truth of the matter is, however, times indeed are a changing, and with the changing times, there are some relaxation of some of the rules governing social intercourse. And in this respect, while there may be some relaxation of some rules, it is still quite kosher to appear to be doing the right thing, if one's posture, is that of someone who knows.
TOOTHPICKS
Imagine the horror of sitting in a leading Kingston hotel a few Sundays ago, for Sunday brunch, to see a young woman and a young boy (presumably her son) saunter in, she 'sporting' a toothpick in the centre of her mouth. Now, I do concede that this seems to be some kind of a 'fashion statement' in some quarters. It is, however, not the kind of fashion statement I want to be forced to look at, at breakfast. And as it became increasingly clear, that the young woman was not about to remove her fashion accessory for breakfast, I motioned the waiter, and asked him to advise her to either remove herself from my direct line of vision, or to remove the offending accessory from her mouth.
Dears, toothpicks are not fashion accessories. The napkins are not to be used for the noisy clearing of the nasal passages. And emitting loud bodily sounds or clearing the nasal passage are events best suited for the privacy of the bathroom.
Public outings demands some sort of decorum. If you are guest at a do, and the host gets up to speak, still your tongues, and avoid rushing to the buffet, and give your host the respect of a listening ear. If you encounter a bad dish, do not publicly berate and or lecture the wait staff, instead seek discreet audience with the host and/or share your concerns quietly with the said staff.
And remember, the number one rule in being a guest is: be nice.
- Chester Francis-Jackson
