Beverley East, Contributor
I OFTEN wonder, with the crime rate as high as it is, how people are coping with their grief. It's bad enough facing a normal Monday morning at work when you are busy catching up with your to do list. But how does it feel when you get up each day barely getting through a day when you are not crying, cannot sleep, your heart aches and no one understands you.
Grief is not like the flu where you take a couple of days off with an over the counter
medication, stay in bed a few days (if you are lucky), and bounce back again to normal. The loss of someone, especially a sudden death, a senseless death with no time to say goodbye or preparation spins you through a roller coaster of emotions. No matter how hard you try, nothing you do will ever make you feel normal again.
I was working closely with a woman who had recently lost her son. I felt awkward to complain about the service her company had provided for me, because every time I saw her I just wanted to hug her and make the pain go away. She carried out her work in the most professional manner but I kept asking myself does it really matter me complaining because in the scheme of things nothing really matters to her right now.
She is just going through the motions of her daily activities at work, and I know as soon as she gets home she closes the door behind her and crawls into bed. Trying her best to sleep to prepare herself for the grind of the next day. I know because I' ve been there more times than I care to count.
NEW NORMAL
The average period for
grieving, believe it or not is seven years. As most of us do not find a 'new normal' within that time we learn to adjust around our feelings swallowing our tears, rather than letting them out. The tension inside builds up and causes other illnesses.
The first year is the worst year all the memories and acknowledging special days that were once shared and celebrated come back to you. Life will never be the same again when you lose someone close to you. If you lose someone through illness this is God's way of preparing you for the finality of death but when you lose someone through a violent crime, the injustice, the judicial system, the time it takes for justice to be served especially here in Jamaica can be quite humiliating.
You may feel uncomfortable around your co-worker and often they become lonely because we avoid them because we do not know what to say to them any more. The journey gets lonely because after a week or two no one wants to talk to you about your loss. Everyone expects you to bounce back to normal and act like everything is OK.
Never say 'I know how you feel' unless you have been
exactly in the same position they have been in. You don't know what it feels like to lose a child unless you have lost one.
You don't know what it feels like to get a phone call to say your brother has been murdered. You don't know what it feels like to get a phone call to say your child has been found raped and murdered. You don't know what it feels like to come home and find your husband in a pool of blood on your living room floor.
Unless you have stood in the exact same shoes don't say you know how they feel because you don't. Don't say it's God's will either it doesn't help.
AN INDIVIDUAL JOURNEY
We have become a numbed nation of mourners and there are too many walking wounded among us searching for a new
normal. If you want to do one good deed this week find
someone in your office who has recently had a death in their family and help them one day at a time.
There will be days when
you think I'm good I'm doing
OK and there will be days
when you cannot get out of bed much less get dressed and go
to work and deal with all the petty internal politicos and
foolishness around you. Be sensitive to your co-workers' needs.
Decision-making becomes
difficult so write everything down for them and as often as you can help by making decisions for them by offering them solutions.
The process of mourning is an individual journey that is supported by love and acceptance and an abundance of time. Time is really the best healer so be patient with your co worker.
I often hear - How long is it now that her mother died? Four months, one year, three years is nothing in the lifetime of the person lost compared to the time and suffering shared. The journey ahead of them is a long and lonely one. Next time you go to lunch bring them back a cup of soup, push a box of tissues in their desk draw. Just reach out and offer a gentle hand to help them on their way to finding a new normal.
You can email
your comments to writefully_yours@hotmail.com
