Ivret Williams Contributor
THERE ARE persons who have been together for a while yet they have never connected the deepest level in every area of life. Sexual intimacy was an overnight achievement, yet they struggle to achieve intimacy in any other area of their relationship.
This is due to the fact that they find it difficult to open up and confide their true feelings. These unions lack the intimacy they need to 'anchor' the relationships and move to the next level.
Before ones seeks to achieve intimacy there has to be an understanding of what intimacy is all about. Intimacy (into-me-see) is becoming transparent by emotionally stripping oneself of all that is superficial and revealing oneself to that special someone. It is not an event which can be achieved overnight, it is a part of the building process to a lasting relationship.
How do you achieve intimacy? It starts with a healthy view of self, being comfortable with one's body and being comfortable with one's partner. These two persons are willing to bare their souls by sharing thoughts, feeling and needs with the understanding that the one person has the other's best interest at heart and will never use the information against the other. Sometimes a woman will have sex with a man, thinking that the sex act will involuntarily lead to intimacy.
Get to know
the other person
A man will tell a woman how much he loves her just to get her in bed, but that does not mean that it leads to intimacy. To achieve intimacy one must first get to know the other person. The best way to do this is to ask questions casually while spending time together.
As you enjoy the other's company and become more relaxed, a friendship is born. Unfortunately, many jump-start their relationship by becoming lovers before knowing the benefits of becoming friends. Sadly, some never become friends.
As you get to know each other it is important that one does not disclose too much too soon or bombard the other with too many questions in an effort to 'get intimate'.
However, for intimacy to be achieved both parties must be willing to self-disclose. Persons will get frustrated in a relationship when they realise that they are the ones who are being open while the other resorts to guarded answers and monosyllables.
Also, if there is the slightest suspicion that there is dishonesty in the information being given, this will lead to insecurity and suspiciousness, which will stall or abort the process.
Trust
The desire to self-disclose is entrenched in the concept of trust. We tell our innermost secrets only to people who we know we can trust.
As such, there will be a withholding of personal information until a comfortable level of trust is developed. This trust creates a bridge which leads to deeper intimacy.
Many persons, however, fear intimacy because it creates vulnerability.
With every revealing information, one is placed at the mercy of the other. This vulnerability may cause many 'independent' individuals to withhold information for fear that it may be used against them. And by the way, an experience of rejection in the past will make it difficult for some to become intimate in the present.
These persons fear their self-disclosures and private information may be rejected or even ridiculed. As such, these persons will erect self-protective walls making it difficult for others to penetrate. Sometimes they will get involved in relationships, vowing never to reveal their true selves.
Some will even go to the extent of ending a relationship under the guise that the other person is getting 'too personal'.
Ploys
Others will avoid or hinder becoming intimate by devising ploys to keep the relationship on an impersonal level. One of the ploys used is the evasion of questions. Persons will postpone answering questions or use one question to 'block' another.
Another ploy is to turn a serious conversation into a joke, or be engaged in trivia when the other party tries to conduct a 'serious' conversation. Constantly changing the subject to something less personal or be engaged in constant chatter to keep from communicating at a deep emotional level are other ploys that have been used. Intimacy can also be hindered if the relationship is plagued with competition.
Guarded and reluctant
This will result in constant strivings as each person seeks to have one up on the other. For some, it is next to impossible to drop this competitive nature, especially those socialised to be competitive. Persons in these types of relationships will become guarded and reluctant to share any form of personal information fearing they may 'lose ground'.
The end product is a superficial relationship in which deep reflection and intimate communication have no place. As you seek to get closer with your mate, remember intimacy exacts a price. You must be prepared to spend quality time together, making every effort to be open and sincere in everything you say
and do.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Send enquiries and comments to letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
