Sidney McGill
IN THE United States alone, 20 per cent of married couples have a non-sexual relationship. Non-sexual marriages are defined as married couples who engage in sexual intercourse fewer than 10 times per year.
The pile of reasons for reduced sexual activity among married couples is huge, to say the least. In Jamaica, the problem of non-sexual couples abounds. The non-sexual relationship is more often expressed in the woman through inhibited sexual desire and, in some cases, secondary inorgasmia (difficulty reaching a climax during sexual intercourse).
In a few men, especially young adult males, persistent relational problems show up as secondary rapid ejaculation and or erectile dysfunction. These psychological problems require ongoing, in-depth psychotherapy that may or may not need medication. Now, let's look at two scenarios of non-sexual cohabitation and explore a few ways to revitalise the relationships.
LOW SEXUAL DESIRE
Kamara and Desmond lived in a common-law union for 12 years. They visited the sex therapist because Kamara had no sexual interest in Desmond anymore. Her lack of sexual desire toward her 'baby father' was beginning to take its toll on the relationship and so they hoped that a few pills would cure her problem. Kamara felt that her 'baby father' was having affairs when he travelled to Canada on long 'business' trips but there was no way she could prove it. To add insult to her perceived injury, Desmond had a bad temper and he would shove her out of the way or box her if she rubbed him the wrong way.
Another case in point is a married couple, Tony and Yvonne who have been married for seven years. Yvonne's complaint was that she was the one always initiating sex and in the last year she chose not to do so anymore. The result of her decision was that the relationship became sexless. Tony made many excuses for his apparent lack of interest in sex with his wife but over time it was clear that he was struggling with homosexual interests.
REVITALISING THE NON-SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP
To cope with persistent relational problems in many marriages, the wife relieves some of her anxieties by becoming over-involved with the children, forming an alliance with them that tends to reduce or exclude the emotional involvement of her husband.
On the other hand, the husband spends more time outside of the house (becoming more alienated from the persons he highly values) either doing more overtime on the job or with his girlfriends (or boyfriends). The non-sexual nature of the relationship becomes evident when one or both partners have heightened sexual tension but sexual intercourse is always halted by psychological blockages due to long- standing hurt and unforgiveness.
In the case of Kamara and Desmond, the focus should be fixated at the root of the problem - transparency in the relationship, Kamara's distrust and Desmond's unresolved hurts and poor self-differentiation that make him so irritable. Hopefully, if they are eager to reconcile, Kamara could use a vibrator to increase her sexual stimulation during intercourse.
In Tony and Yvonne's case, Tony's homosexual interests must be disclosed. Here Yvonne and Tony will have the chance to grieve over the fact and find ways of coming to terms with this aspect of the relationship. Hopefully they will still want the relationship because of their love for each other. In both scenarios I recommend that the couples set aside a few hours every week to be alone together to have intimate talks, eat lunch or dinner together or even meet with mutual friends in order to reconnect.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
