Sidney McGill
TESTOSTERONE PLAYS an important role in camouflaging men's emotional and relational issues which come to light when the hormone level drops because of ageing, exposing the relationship for what it is - troubled.
In the last article, I dealt with younger marriages suffering from sexual drought because of long-term emotional/relational problems that cause a withdrawal in things intimate. In women, the withdrawal is expressed as a low sexual desire or difficulty reaching an orgasm during intercourse. In men, the withdrawal is more complex because men usually initiate sexual intercourse but subconsciously withdraws by rapid or retarded ejaculation and/or difficulty getting and keeping the erection (erectile disorder).
Other than persistent unresolved relational issues within committed sexual relationships, the problem of health becomes critical to maintaining good sexual functioning, especially in the middle and older years of one's life. An unhealthy lifestyle stresses us physically, spiritually, relationally and emotionally. Time has a way of catching up with us. Our sexual lives are no exception to the rule. The current leading causes of death in Jamaica are chronic non-communicable diseases such as hypertension, diabetes, obesity, stroke, heart attack and erectile dysfunction - cardiovascular problems which adversely affect sexual functioning.
LIFESTYLE ISSUES
A middle-aged writer who responded to the previous article spoke about how different her lifestyle was from her husband's. She worked out regularly, paid attention to her nutrition and managed her stressors well while her husband did the opposite. He never exercised; he ate whatever he felt for, for a long time he avoided taking responsibility for his health and generally lived an unhealthy lifestyle. He is now hypertensive, recovering from a stroke and has little desire for sex.
The poor condition of the circulatory system in men and the effects of treatment are evidenced by erectile disorder among other things. But the ageing process plays an obvious role in his sex life as well. It takes greater sexual stimulation for him to gain an erection, keep it and reach an orgasm, even the period between sexual intercourse lengthens. Add an unhealthy lifestyle to the mix and the brew gets lethal. But many Jamaican men drink the brew daily and suffer silently with its effects of erectile dysfunction, poor relationships with spouse and children and poor health.
He may try to avoid penetrative sex with his spouse by coming home late, leaving home early, saying he is too tired or intentionally causing a fuss. It is easy for him to deny his dysfunction and blame his partner for being too fat, too inactive in bed or too lacklustre. Or, in the case of the middle-aged writer who is physically fit for her age, he might be easily intimidated by her and therefore spends more time finding comfort in the company of his buddies who are struggling with similar unhealthy lifestyle consequences.
He wears the façade of sexual proficiency outside the home only too well while his partner struggles with the secrecy of his dysfunction and her own dissatisfaction. The temptation for both partners to have extramarital sex is almost irresistible at this juncture. But the hope of getting a erection is always appealing to the male so he may have less difficulty getting an erection with a younger woman who is generally below his social class - a supposed remedy for a demanding yet boring sex style. Strict adherence to a wellness programme therefore is critical if both partners want to live longer and have sex-fulfilling lives. Look out for the September article on sexual wellness.
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
