Dear Counsellor:

I AM 40 and I am planning to get married (finally). My problem however is that I do not really love this guy and there are some qualities that I see that I do not like. I prefer to be married than to be single for the rest of my life. I could have got married already but I guess I was searching for the 'right' person.

- Joan

Dear Joan:

To get married to someone you do not love and in whom you see many faults is like buying a one-way ticket to trouble. A bad marriage is one of the most miserable experiences you can have. If you do not love this guy, for his sake and yours, please do not marry him. The fear of remaining single can cause persons to compromise their standards and ignore good judgement. You said you could have been married before but you were searching for the 'right' person. Let me add, there is no 'right' person. A good relationship is composed of two imperfect persons, acknowledging their imperfections and at the same time overlooking the imperfections of the other person.

Dear Counsellor:

MY HUSBAND moved out a year ago leaving me and the two kids. He now wants to come back and my family and friends say that I should 'run him'. I was really hurt when he left and it really affected the children. My pastor says I should forgive him and give him another chance, even for the children's sake. Right now I am so confused, what should I do?

- Sonia

Dear Sonia:

I cannot tell you to take back your husband or not to take him back. That is a decision that you will have to make. However, you must sit with him and discuss fully why he left. He must be made aware of how his actions affected you and the kids. If that is not done and new commitments made, then there may be a recurrence. If needs be I would suggest that you both receive counselling before you decide to get back together. Children are usually traumatised when their parents separate so they too may need counselling.

MY GIRLFRIEND and I are in constant conflict. We have been friends for six months and I am wondering if it is worth it. I really care for her but the constant conflict is driving me crazy.

- Glenford

Dear Glenford:

If it is any consolation, every relationship, irrespective of how perfect, experiences conflicts. As you get to know each other, differences will surface which will cause conflicts. You should strive to have these resolved amicably. If this is not done, the same issues will keep resurfacing, causing continuing conflicts. If you keep quarrelling about the same things this signifies that you may be stuck in a rut. As you progress with your relationship please exercise patience and tolerance, because without these you will be in constant conflict.

TEST YOUR COUNSELLING SKILLS

As individuals, we are called upon many times to offer advice. Starting this week, I will be publishing a counselling problem and I invite you to test your counselling skills by submitting to us how you would advise the individual. The best of the lot will be published. The problems will be numbered and you must indicate which problem you are responding to.

Dear Counsellor:

I hope this finds you in good health, I really think you are doing a good job. I have a little problem. When I went to America I met my boyfriend, I was engaged at the time to another man who was also living in America, but I fell pregnant and so I broke off the engagement with that person. Anyway, to cut a long story short we had a son.

I really would like to share my life with my boyfriend since we already have a child together,but when I expressed myself to him he says he wants to own his own house first before he gets married; but the thing is I really don't believe that that's the case. I'm wondering if he is just using that as an excuse. He works in America so I only see him like for five months out of the year. Can you give me some advice? I know he loves me, although he rarely says it. I wish he would say it more often but he shows me and he really loves his son.