WilliamsIS THE management or mismanagement of money causing constant conflict in your relationship? Among the issues that cause conflict in even the most committed relationship is money. It represents power, love and status.
There is the belief that where there is a conflict as it relates to money, this is considered as a cover-up for other things. Sociologists have said that a man's power over his wife increases as his income increases. He is presumed to have bought the right to have the power. On the other hand, a wife's power increases as the share she contributes to the budget increases. employed women are more likely to influence the family in financial matters and to share in the decision-making process. It is thought that money problems may really be power struggles as to who should determine what is done with the money.
Sometimes tensions follows when one partner's financial power changes. This is a 'see-saw' relationship. Also, many men during courtship use their mouths to write cheques which their pocket-books cannot cash. So the woman enter how much money they have in the relationship with some 'golden' expectations only to have a rude awakening when her spouse cannot fulfil her expectations.
Socio-economic status
We live in a society where a person's socio-economic status is determined by an index that includes education, occupation and income. Of the three, income is sometimes seen as the most important. Many men are reticent to share the information about their income with the woman they are courting for fear that it may not be seen in a favourable light. As a society we judge persons by how much money have and by what they buy. (Is it any wonder that people are engaged in drug trafficking?)
These are considered status symbols. Common status symbols are the car, the house and the clothes. Others live on the brink of financial suicide because they feel they must have all these status symbols to keep up with the Jones. Of course, they do not know how Mr. Jones got his wealth. The desire for a certain type of life drives many couples to spend more time and effort in the acquisition of these status symbols and less time and effort on their relationships. So the man gives the woman all the trappings and she is envied by her friends, but one long look into her eyes will reveal the emptiness she feels and the depth of her unhappiness.
But how could she be unhappy? She has everything she needs to make her happy. Right? Wrong! For many relationships trouble often starts when a man gets so busy earning his salt that he forgets to take care of his sugar.
I could not discuss financial woes without putting my 'big mouth' into your spending patterns. Many relationships have hit a snag because of the spending patterns of a spouse. And it is not the women alone who are guilty of wrecking a well-planned budget. There is the compulsive spender who buys on impulse and some women fall into that category, especially when it comes to shoes. My guilty conscience will prevent me from remonstrating with you about that 'bad' habit. Then there is the emotional spender. As individuals, many times we indulge ourselves when we are feeling stressed, unloved, lonely and sad. When you spend when you are feeling down, you are indulging yourself at the surface level instead of seeking to find out what is causing these negative feelings and begin to nurture yourself at the core.
Attention
And so we spend to make ourselves feel more visible and more loved. This sometimes works, but it is short-term in nature and eventually the loneliness, sadness and depression return. Then there is the unconscious spender. These persons are spenders who are not really conscious of where their money goes. They do not have a budget and even if they do, they do not stick to it.
To ease the financial tensions in your relationships you need to become a conscious spender and a disciplined saver. A conscious spender is one who lives within his means. Living within your means is not about how much money you have, it is about your attitude towards the money you have. It is about living in the present and not mortgaging your future. For some, saving represents a life of drudgery. Let me add that saving is not self-deprivation. It is balancing your expenditure so that you are able to live a good life throughout your whole life.
Finally, we know the importance of money and as the proverb goes, 'money makes the mare go'; however, whenever we become disgruntled with our state in life it would be wise to heed the words of Solomon; 'Godliness with contentment is great gain'.
Ivret Williams is a counselling psychologist. Send enquiries and comments to letstalkrelationships@ yahoo.com. Check the Saturday Gleaner for the answers that Ivret Williams has for the questions you ask about your relationships.
