Ivret WilliamsDear readers:
YOUR RESPONSES have been good. Unfortunately, I am not able to publish all and some very good ones have been a little too long.
To assist you in your counselling experience, each week I will add a counselling tip for your benefit.
Ivret Williams
TEST YOUR
COUNSELLING SKILLS
Problem #1
Dear Counsellor:
I hope this finds you in good health. I really think you are doing a good job. I have a little problem.
When I went to America, I met my boyfriend. I was engaged at the time to another man who was also living in America but I fell pregnant and so I broke off the engagement with that person.
Anyway, to cut a long story short we had a son. I really would like to share my life with my boyfriend since we already have a child together. But when I express myself to him, he says he wants to own his own house first before he gets married.
But the thing is, I really don't believe that that's the case.
I'm wondering if he is just using that as an excuse. He works in America, so I only see him like for five months out of the year.
Can you give me some advice. I know he loves me although he rarely says it. I wish he would say it more often but he shows me and he really loves his son. Please respond.
Ruth Chambers from Adelphi, London responds:
Your basis for wanting to marry your boyfriend is worrying. Children do not create the ingredients for a successful marriage.
Your relationship with him started on tenuous grounds, you fell pregnant for him while engaged to another man. How serious is your boyfriend taking you?
He sees you five months of the year and appears to be content with that. There is a saying in Jamaica 'what gaan bad a morning, caan come good a evening'.
My advic to you, first and foremost, is to re-evaluate your reasons for wanting to marry your boyfriend.
Sanya Hamilton, a recent graduate from UTECH, writes:
I noticed that in your letter you mentioned that you would like to spend the rest of your life with your boyfriend, since you already have a son with him.
May I ask, are you wanting to share your life with him because you love him and find him to be a good mate, or is it for your child?
Because if it is for your child, that is not the right reason. Just because a couple has a child together, does not mean they are compatible enough to share their lives together.
As for your concern for his reason for not taking the next step, and the fact that you do not think he tells you he loves you enough, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him regarding his feelings for you and your concern for your future together, because it seems like you are unsure.
Find out where he sees the three of you in the future, and go from there. Finally, do not rush into sharing your life with your boyfriend, because you too still have some issues that need to be dealt with before you take that next step.
Lesly Robb in counselling the client suggests:
For every relationship to work, trust is a vital factor. Trust is one of the elements that will lead to a successful relationship and consequently, marriage.
In expressing yourself that you would love to marry your child's father, you would definitely have to take into consideration the fact that you may not trust him, and this can be a deterring factor to your relationship, and more likely, marriage.
Males are generally afraid of commitments. They may want to marry, but may be wary of the outcome. Some men also love to know that they are in an independent position before making that leap.
Specifically, since a child is involved, he may genuinely want to know that he is able to provide adequately for his household. Discuss with your partner your concerns, so that you can better understand his desire for independence before marriage.
It will do no good to just assume that he has ulterior motives. The fact that he shows you that he loves you and his son by the things he does is good. Remember that he doesn't always have to verbalize this. All the best.
COUNSELLING TIP
Always put yourself in the other person's place whenever you are giving advice.
