Nashauna Drummond, Staff Reporter
ON FEBRUARY 4, 2005, 32-year-old Terrence Johnsonwas at the bus stop on Jaques Road off Mountain View Avenue in Kingston, waiting for his daughter to collect her lunch money. While speaking to her on the telephone, she heard a barrage of gunshots. That was the last thing Stacey Johnsonheard; it was the end of her father's life.
Mr. Johnson's mother 49-year-old Jennifer Puseyspoke with Flair of the pain and suffering only a mother feels at the death of a child.
"A hear bam bam bam an a sey to mi daughter baby father, a somebody dat. The phone ring and it was mi granddaughter crying, 'daddy sey mi must come to the bus stop him a wait on mi fi come fi mi lunch money and mi no hear nothing else. I call him phone and it sey unable to take your call. A call mi other son, 'Trevor,and tell him Stacey sey she a talk to her father and then she hear shots and then nothing. Mi run across the road to see if anybody up a di bus stop. But you know this fear like something sey go and something sey don't go.
Then three police cars pull up and dem sey, 'mother where up here dem kill di 32-year-old youth' and mi sey, 'Jesus Christ a mi son' and im sey 'how you know' an mi sey, 'mi belly, mi belly.'
I started to run. I saw him slippers on the sidewalk then his dark glasses in a pool of blood. I hear the policeman curse a bad word and sey, 'look how dem do di woman pickney.' I know I saw the person on the ground I know it was him but you know you want to say is him and you don't want to? He was lying face down you know like when you looking on somebody with this big glob a thing in front of him."
BRUTAL MURDER
Mr. Johnson received 14 shots and two stabs, Ms. Pusey told Flair. An autopsy revealed that his left hand was also broken in three places. "It look like he was trying to run and him get shot in his bottom. You can see where he was running because his slippers were in the road. Look like him was not dead, they turn him over because you can see wey dem pull him, you can see the dirt. When we go to the scene, that was the position we found him in on his face with his back dirty", said Ms. Pusey, bending forward to illustrate how she found her son.
Resuming her posture she continued, "My children dem sey dem hear me scream but I find myself at University Hospital of the West Indies dem sey I reach down and pass out. I went to the station and the police sey, 'mother people saw who kill you child because earlier on when they were passing the bus stop they saw him on the phone with his foot on the wall like he was talking to somebody.
You hear a little bit a dis and a little bit a dat but no one want to come forward so you don't know what to believe."
THE PAIN
"I just want to let go but it hurt," said the anguished mother in an attempt to verbalise her pain. "When I go into the room where he used to sleep the memories come back. When I look at his children tears come to my eyes.
I cannot have a bright Friday since that one. As Friday approaches, I see him lying down, crying out for help running, begging, that is the way I picture him. I am a Christian and I ask the Lord for forgiveness because there is a piece inside of me that I cant' let go, this tightness, this anger.
My pastor and church brothers and sisters say let go but when it's not your experience, you don't know what a person really feel. Sometimes even when I see the guys who born and grow here and you know they are involved and you see them up and down you have this hate inside. I neva have any body in the war mi son not in no war and look how my child die. It give me this heaviness inside. I know where a coming from and I know what God has done for me. I am saying this thing is making me fall down. This brutal way they took his life. Right now if I hear that God is at Jaques Road, I don't think a want to go up there because my son lost his life there. "I want to just let go," she continued holding back the tears.
Sometimes even my children sey mommy mi no know how you live through it and a tell them sey if God did not want them not to kill him the gun could stick. Somebody could be there to say don't kill him. I try to show everybody that I think God did it for me. But another time the hate comes back.
I find myself having tension headaches; I don't have an appetite, I feel it's stress because I just want to get out of here. When it happened, I was so strong I even go to the funeral parlour to dress him but it's different now."
TRYING TO HEAL
People encourage me but sometimes when they try to be encouraging they get you upset because they don't understand. I have seen people who have lost their children and I tried to encourage them through it but now it's my turn and I know deep down, you cannot forgive you cannot forget that child is yours.
Johnson was the oldest of Ms. Pusey's six children. "Life was so hard when I got pregnant with him. The other fathers stand beside me but he was the only one who didn't have anybody so you understand our closeness. If it wasn't for my mother and father I don't know how I would manage. His father wanted me to do the abortion and my parents said no. People might believe that I love him more but is just the bond between us.
The grieving mother told Flair her murdered son was a loner, a hard worker who loved his children and would do anything to support them. Shortly before his death he started working as a watchman at a nearby apartment complex. "He got paid the Thursday and he came to play with my niece's baby, that was the last time she saw him," she recalled with her voice beginning to crack.
Memories
As 13-year-old Stacey enters second form in high school, the memories of last September were inescapable for Ms. Pusey. "He was so proud last year, him send the school fee to me and a show off and sey mi want mi receipt," a smile took-over the corner of her mouth. "When I went to buy her school supplies, he wanted to take everything at once because that was her first year at high school."
In June Stacey participated in the Miami Classics in Florida, an annual track and field meet. She made it to the 100 and 200 meters semi-finals.
Names changed to protect individuals.
THE EXPERTS ON GRIEVING
"Not only is she feeling grief but she's also traumatised because he was murdered," noted Rev'd Stephen-Claude Hyatt.
He noted that on average it takes five years for someone to fully overcome the grief associated with the death of a close family member.
STAGES OF GRIEF
1. Denial: Disbelief that the person is actually dead.
2. Anger: Angry with themselves, at God, The gunmen just about everybody
3. Bargaining: Not accepting the fact. Probably saying what they would do if God brought him back.
4. Letting Go: Energy put in grieving is now being placed somewhere else. They may start to go out again or to socialise.
5. Acceptance: Realising that life goes on.
STEPS TO HEALING
Rev'd. Hyatt noted that the first year following the loss of a loved one is the most difficult because it's the first time that milestones will be celebrated without the person - birthday, an anniversary or Christmas. During this period depression is normal but if you get suicidal thoughts that's when professional intervention is essential. "It's a process and though it's painful, allow yourself to feel some pain cry if you have to but the next time you won't cry as hard," said Rev'd. Hyatt.
He noted that in Ms. Pusey's case God doesn't hold it against her to feel hate towards the persons she thinks are responsible for her son's death. "The beautiful thing about God and His mercies is that He forgives."
Talk
Talk to the dead. Tell them how much you love them, that you miss them just get it out.
Revisit places you would normally go with that person. Revisit the place where they died.
Write to them. Things that were left unsaid can be written in a letter addressed to him then burnt or torn to bits; the symbolic act of getting it out is what matters.
Celebrate the person. Acknowledge his birthday. Say happy birthday son. At Christmas remember him by lighting a candle for him. Put up a picture of him. When you can't look at it anymore turn it around. Talk about him as much as you can, recognising there was so much to his life.
Get information on how he died to get closure.
Learn to forgive them (those you think are responsible) present them to God or you will forever walk around with hurt and pain which will prevent you from living a wholesome life.
Erect a symbol of remembrance. Plant a tree, build a wall and have someone paint something on it to represent him or enlarge a picture.
Rev'd. Hyatt notes that it's also helpful for the grieving mother to have his children around her as a living memory of him.
Rev'd. Hyatt is a clinical psychologist and trained pastoral counsellor.
