Amina Blackwood Meeks, Contributor
YOU KNOW you can always tell when somebody is about to travel, especially if dem travelling for de firs time. Dem dress up, put on dem best behaviour. New clothes, new shoes, new suitcase, new handbag, new wallet. And plenty time, by de time dem dun buy all dem new tings dem doan have penny to put in de wallet. But in dese modern times yu really doan need a penny, yu jus a need a visa. Never leave home without it. So Likkle Miss Jing Bang decide to apply for one.
Well, look crosses. Forty-leventeen places in de worl not asking anybody for a visa an JB have to pick one dat demandings it. Ascarding to har she used to go to dat place from long time an nobaddi never even ask har how she afford de ticket an now all of a sudden, dem want visa. She work it out sey something change, and if you know JB nutten naw jus change roun har so widout warning an she nuh find out how it go. So baps she go apply.
POLICE RECORD
She sey de firs ting de people dem ask har for was a police record. Now as far as she is concerned dat is a old fashion ting. Dis is de age of CDs and DVDs. Dat doan teck no time fe meck. But people dem insisting dat she can meck one in tree days at de high end of de market and for dose who are not so financially stable dem can produce one in twenty one days. Well JB is decidedly a member of de instant coffee generation, want it now, an aldoagh tree days is not exactly millennium speed she sekkle fe dat.
De nex step was to go up to de visa application place. She sey firs ting dat strike up dere was two very boasy sign. De firs one declare, 'No money is kept in this office at any time'. In odda words if yu come here to rob, yu wasting time. Well she did know dat. De reason why she wanted de visa in de firs place was to avoid de hassle of travelling wid cash. Second sign declared, 'All visa decisions are made in the Cayman Islands only and are not made at this office'. In odda words dem jus give har a clue as to which part de money is.
An a so comes it dat she decide dat dere shall she be also.
APPLYING FOR VISAS
Now if you never had to apply for a visa in your life an yu tinking about it now, consult JB. She is preparing a handbook for visa application for de would-be traveller. First, be prepared for people who talk to yu chu a secure cage wit a glass partition. Dis partition is fixed in place an is freshly clean so it appears like nutten nuh deh-deh. Dat is trap number one. Observe how de smaddy pan de adda side stand two paces away.
Dem is going to ask you a question, of de personal an private variety. Dat is trap number two. For you who guard your privacy is going to lean forward to try an kip yu business quiet. Bang! Yu lick yu head gains a vertical glass ceiling as a sign dat de journey might be rough and rugged. Do not swear. People do not give visas to people who swear, dat is a sign of your unworthiness to hold such a important document in your possession.
Now yu have to answer whatever it is dat dem did ask you. Look around carefully at de bunch of people who appear to be waiting dere turn to apply. Some will be genuine applicants who did not plan on being exposed to de gory details of your life on dat day. Doan mind dem, some a dem glad sey is your turn first an yu soon come out an leave dem fe talk fe dem details to fewere aise. Some a dem now, is secret service people. Dem know everything bout you areddi. Dem is jus dere in case you barefaced enough fe talk nutten dat doan go so an den have de gumption fe sign de line dat sey dat you fatefully declare dat de information herein contained is de truth the whole truth an nutting but de truth.
JB sey she did hear bout a man who did tell a banns a lie pan de application form an when secret service grab him, him show dem de fineprint dat sey de information given is de truth 'to de best of him knowledge' an him didn't tell anybody sey him knowledge was so good in de first place. So in har handbook she write it big an bold dat dat requirement is really a trick fe deplete de country of certain brains and skills so dem can classify all who stay as a nation of duncey-head people, not fit fe de piapa what de visa come pan.
EYES OPENED
So anyway she sey, dat realisation ongle meck har want to get de visa even more, fe see is what it good for, an she persis till she get it an jump pan de plane an reach to where dem never expeck har fe reach- de land where dem issue de visa, since none doan issue where she apply for it. De same land where dem keep de money since none doan keep which part de visa apply for. Is when she reach har eye dem open up.
You know Jing Bang, she look fe de bes an de mose expensive place to check in an when dem ask har if she paying cash or credit, she mumble unda har bret sey de sign sey de money in Cayman but she wassen exactly sure is which bank it was into. Whereupon dem ask har fe leave a card. Would you believe dat dat girl teck out a pack a tarot card, plunk it dung pan de people dem counter and ask dem which dem dem prefer? She sey de hooman bat har eye an reel off de names of de kind of card what dem accept. Jing Bang sey she never recognise none of dem but she hear when de hooman clearly sey de word 'Visa'. Whereupon she promptly go into a har hand bag an produce har passport wid de visa. Dem didn't want dat. Ascardin to Jing Bang people can be very contrary. Dem meck har go chu all dt chubble fe get visa fe come inna dem country and de first time she try use it dem tell har sey it useless.
HIGH SECURITY
She sey is a good ting she never use it to shop online for she get to undastand dat once yu have a visa yu enter de arena of high security. If yu ever mistaken use it in the wrong place some unscrupulous person could steal your identity. Teck yu visa an shop in places yu didn't even know exist. Next ting yu know yu get accuse of de worst transgression, yu name gane abraad, yu get condemned to staying in de likkle corner of de worl in which you were born in dis age of globalisation, yu get banned from ever getting a visa again an she still kean see what it good for. It doan get yu any quicker service, it does not grant you unparalleled acceptance and greater convenience anywhere an it daon meck yu any better dan people who never get it or improve your status from it was before yu did get it. An it certainly does not contribute to stopping de war in Iraq or preventing warmongers from going to where dem want to meck war.
