Sidney McGill
MANY JAMAICANS yearn for a family with a dog or a cat, a small garden, a loving mate and a few children. It meets the needs of the sex drive, the status needs, the belonging needs and the security of a permanent base we call home.
However, Jamaica is known for its reggae, coffee, white-sand beaches and violence and with close to 90 per cent of children born out of wedlock, shouldn't we be also known as a country of sweethearts?
The problem becomes evident during the Yuletide period. There are the gifts to buy, the parties to attend and the quality time that every family member (and sweetheart) yearn to have with each other. Spouses with sweethearts may pride themselves in secretly playing the field throughout the year, jumping fences into different pastures and eating grass to their hearts' content. But, with whom will you spend this Christmas? The smart man will do his disappearing act in order to keep all his girls fairly happy because half a loaf is better than no loaf at all (for those sweethearts who are kept in the light of the runnings). But for those sweethearts who are kept in the dark, the vague or puzzling feeling that they might be getting a 'six for a nine' is commonplace.
BREAKING THE COMMANDMENT
In the past, moral rules and laws influenced our behaviours but 'scientific' and statistical evidence seem to be changing all of that now. Apparently, "man free fi do anything him want, so long as him no hurt nobody in the process." The irony is that he indeed hurts others in his wayward activities, even if the hurt is felt by someone in the distant future whom he does not know - the culture of fatherlessness and violence are proofs of his selfishness.
The commandment, "you shall not commit adultery" seems to be an outdated, oversimplified and irrelevant command applied to a complex, post-modern, cultural problem. How effective is a marriage vow when the prevailing sentiment is that 'every hoe have plenty stick a bush'. What philosophy or world view will bind his or her commitment to the promise to always love and honour each other; both freed and bound by their love, for as long as they both shall live? None, in a practical sense, except for the idealism of Christian and other religious commitments.
Adhering to the commandment to find love only in one's love nest is difficult, especially in today's increasingly boundary-less societies; but it is possible. The commitment to live together must be a stated and understood mission for being together. The mission statement must be the embodiment of the vows you make to each other. The mission statement must be constantly expressed in word and deed to reinforce the couple's goals, daily adding nutrients for it to last a lifetime.
"You shall not commit adultery" was meant to uphold the marital bond and encourage couples to work out their differences in the context of a committed, monogamous relationship. You can't eat your cake and have it during Yuletide. Literally put - you can't have it both ways, at Christmas time or any other time. Be open and honest with your spouse (at the right time and place) and confront the challenge of taking the relationship to a higher level, even if it means getting help from an experienced counsellor. There is no guarantee that all will be well thereafter but consider your monogamous relationship an adventure in self-knowledge and acceptance that will benefit the universe!
Dr. Sidney McGill is a marriage and family therapist and executive director, Family Counselling Centre of Jamaica, St. Ann; email: yourhealth@gleanerjm.com.
