Dear Counsellor:

I have been divorced for four years now and the divorce affected the way I feel about myself and it has affected my self-confidence. It has also affected the way I feel about women as I feel that I can never completely trust another woman. Although I have dated some lovely women, whenever I feel that the relationship is getting too intimate, I pull away until the relationship has cooled down. How do I get past this hurdle?

- Patrick

Dear Patrick:

I am sorry to hear about your divorce and also to hear that you do not feel that you can trust another woman again. This would suggest that you are still angry, and you may be projecting your anger and ill feelings about your wife on every woman that you meet. This is unfair to these women. As long as you continue to distrust women you are being held a prisoner by the events of the past. You need to bring closure to that period in your life and move on.

To do so you first need to know if you are angry because your ex-wife betrayed your trust or because you allowed yourself to trust her? It could have been that in the past you trusted someone and that person betrayed your trust leaving you vowing never to trust again. To get over the hurdle you should list the ways your ex-wife betrayed your trust, and if you had a choice what you would have done differently. It is also important that you honestly evaluate the things you might have done to affect the level of trust in the relationship.

This may seem harsh, but I believe that in the same way that one person does not a marriage make, then one person does not a marriage break. Having said all that, the marriage is over, but to move on and live a normal and happy life, it is better to open your heart and let the sunshine in. Life is a journey, with potholes along the way (especially in Jamaica), because you fell in a pothole around the last corner, you should not shut your eyes to the good that may be waiting for you around the next corner.

Dear Counsellor:

I have been in a relationship for the past year, and somehow the relationship is not moving in the way I thought it should. We have been physically intimate, but somehow I do not feel close to him as he does not tell me his innermost secrets or his plans. Whenever I discuss our relationship my boyfriend claims that the relationship is fine and I am just imaging things. We have had a few arguments about this but it does not change the fact that he does not share his secrets with me. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill or are all men like this?

- Rosie

Dear Rosie:

Every man is different and you cannot use one description for all men. Some men are open while others are closed. Because you have been sexually intimate, unfortunately that does not mean that you have a 'relationship'. What sex means to a man, it has a different meaning to a woman. It is said that 'men will give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love'. Before you go any further, you need to have an idea about what you are looking for in a man and what you are looking for in a relationship. You may find that you are frustrated in the relationship and do not know why.

Unmet needs lead to frustration. You may be making a mountain out of a molehill, but it would be best for you to sit with your boyfriend and express the way you feel. It may elevate the relationship to the next level or it may save you pain and anguish in the future. If your boyfriend is not interested in having an emotionally intimate relationship or does not wish to take the relationship to the next level, he will employ different strategies to keep the relationship on an impersonal level. Constantly changing the subject to something less personal or be engaged in constant chatter to keep from communicating at a deep emotional level are strategies that have been used. Another strategy is to evade answering a question by using one question to block another question. Remember every relationship comes with its own dynamics and I hope you are not comparing your relationship with another.