Michael Reckord, Contributor
WHEN I visited him a few mornings ago, Artie was on his verandah leafing through his notebook and making jottings on a separate sheet of paper.
"Hi, Dads," he greeted me. "What'll it be, sorrel or --?"
"Sorrel," I said, and while he went inside for the drink, I looked at the paper he'd been writing. To my amazement, I saw that Artie was in the middle of a letter to Santa Claus. It began, "Dear Santa, I hope it's not too late to ask you to bring presents for the top ten newsmakers in Jamaica for 2005."
Minutes later, after I had sipped a bit of the delicious, ginger-flavoured sorrel, I said, "I'm sorry, Artie, but I have some bad news for you. There is no Santa Claus."
Laughing, Artie explained that, to entertain his friends at the New Year's Eve party he'd be attending, he was drawing up a list of names of outstanding people and organisations to which Santa might have considered giving presents to assist them in 2006.
SKIT
"Please help me rehearse the skit, Dads. I'll tell you the recipient and award and you ask me for my rationale. Okay?"
"Sure," I said, and the following conversation ensued.
Artie: To each JLP mayor and councillor, Santa please give a large bottle of water and a rag.
Dads: And the rationale would be -- ?
Artie: In case they go walking by Jamaica House again and have another tear-gas filled encounter with the police. And Santa, please give Portia a half-dozen bottles of dark-brown hair colouring.
Dads: Why would she need those?
Artie: She just might become the next Prime Minister of Jamaica, and PMs tend to go grey fast, once in office. Portia's hair is one of her most attractive physical features, and she'd want to keep looking good as long as possible.
Dads: That makes sense, considering the many problems the next PM will inherit. Next?
Artie: Santa, I think you should give SSP Reneto Adams a scholarship to the School of Music.
Dads: Why?
Artie: So he can take voice lessons and bring out another, better - sounding CD. According to the Commissioner, Adams may have to undergo psychological counselling for a whole year before he gets back to police work again, and he'll need something to occupy his time, like making music. For Prime Minister Patterson, Santa, I want you to give two dozen 90-minute audio tapes.
Dads: What for?
Artie: He'll soon be retiring and he may want to write his memoirs and other books as his predecessor did, by talking into a tape recorder.
Dads: Santa should increase that number of tapes. After all, Mr Patterson is our longest-serving PM and he has a lot to write about. Who's next on your list?
Artie: DCP Mark Shields. I want him to get a copy of "How to Speak Jamaican" by Ken Maxwell.
Dads: Why? He speaks excellent English.
Artie: Yes, and Jamaican is a completely different language, according to UWI linguists -- and Dept. Commissioner Shields needs to learn it. He clearly has not been communicating properly with criminals and potential criminals in Jamaica, for the island's murder rate has continued to rise while he's been here.
And Santa, while you're handing out presents to the police, please let the Mount Salem Police in Montego Bay get a sniffer dog.
Dads: What for?
Artie: A sniffer dog could help them to differentiate between a policeman and a civilian, so that the next time a fellow officer goes to the station and asks for a glass of water, he'd not get beaten up by mistake.
Dads: Sounds reasonable, and sometimes dogs have more sense than people. Next recipient?
Artie: Santa, the money transfer services deserve awards, for through them flowed approximately $1.5 billion from Jamaicans abroad last year, more than even tourism brought in. Without it, we'd truly be a failed state.
AWARD
Dads: And what award should Santa give?
Artie: He could arrange that both the "Number 1" morning daily papers give them their Outstanding Business award. The resulting publicity would be very welcome, I'm sure. And to sprint queen Merlene Ottey, Santa, please give a large photo album.
Dads: Why?
Artie: Well, it's for her to keep in pictures of her statue at the National Stadium, taken from all different angles. She'll need lots of photos, since she won't be in Jamaica to look at the statue as often as she'd like, and since Slovenia probably won't be building one for her. And to the ackee producers, Santa, should go a dictionary.
Dads: A dictionary?
Artie: The words "hypoglycin" and "hypoglycemia" are not easy to spell, but the producers need to know them well, otherwise a $400 million business in the export of tinned ackees could be jeopardised. And, lastly, Santa, I want you to give a present to the relatives of the 1,640-plus people murdered in Jamaica in 2005.
Dads: What do they get?
Artie: The very latest edition of the crime prevention plan produced by the Ministry of National Security, and a Bible to help them have faith in the plan.
"Amen to that," I said.
