Ivret WilliamsFlush inferiority feelings from your system
Dear Counsellor:
I have a wonderful husband and we have been married for three years. He is a very good-looking guy and sometimes I feel a little inferior around him as girls are always looking at him. He says he has had his share of relationships and shows me in every way he can that he loves me. The problem is I constantly ask him if he is attracted to anyone else. Sometimes he seems offended by the questions. Am I right in
asking him all these questions?
Marcia
Dear Marcia:
There is nothing wrong with a man who looks at and admires other women, as long as it is done discreetly, and he does not use it to make you feel insecure or to compare you with other women. Any man who claims that he does not look at another woman is either blind, very old, very tired or simply lying. Even the impotent man will still look. Looking at other women does not necessarily mean he does not love you and find you desirable. You say that you sometimes feel inferior when you are around him. You need to examine yourself to see why you feel inferior. If it is the way you look, then you need for your sake, to see how you can improve that. Also discuss this with him. There are some men in relationships and they will tell the women to change many things about themselves, if he has not told you to do so, then obviously he is contended with you just the way you are. I must caution you that the feelings of inferiority may make you do things that may jeopardise the relationship, so it is very important that you analyse these feelings of inferiority and flush them from your system. I am reminded of the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission". Also constantly questioning him may be seen as nagging and could cause a rift in your relationship. Enjoy your relationship and give thanks for having a good man.
Girlfriend nags about ex-wife
Dear Counsellor:
I am having a problem with my girlfriend of eight months. The problem is, my wife and I are divorced. She is constantly probing to find out what happened in my past relationship. I keep telling her that I do not wish to discuss my marriage and she will let it go and then she comes back in another way to discuss it. My wife and I are good friends and we know that we will never be lovers again, but my girlfriend is having a difficulty accepting this. She would like me to elaborate on all the issues and conflicts as it relates to my marriage. She claims that for our relationship to progress we need to know everything about each other's past. I do not agree. I would appreciate your advice.
David
Dear David:
I do believe that events from the past can affect present functioning. However, it would not be respectful to your ex-wife to divulge the minutest detail of your marriage to anyone, especially an eight-month-old girlfriend. And let's face it, in every marriage there are things that you would not like the public to know. Right now you do not know if this relationship will become long term and even if it does, it would be unfair to share the personal issues of your wife with another woman. Unfortunately some women get very obsessed in trying to find out everything about their man's past not knowing that this obsession could kill the relationship. I may seem blunt here, but what happened in your marriage is not her business so you do not need to feel pressured to satisfy her curiosity by telling her anything. The present reality is that she is in a relationship with you and the energies should be spent on working on this relationship instead of investigating the past.
Email Ivret Williams at:
letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com
