Tony Deyal
I AM not a car person, although I need automotive transport to get around. When a mechanic told me that I had to rotate my tyres, I asked, "Why? Isn't that what wheels do?"
However, this was my first New Year in a very long time without a car. I had a Ford. According to some people, the name stands for 'First On Rust and Deterioration', 'Fix Or Repair Daily', 'Fast Only Rolling Downhill' and 'Found on Road, Dead'. While not entirely true, the general tenor seemed to be in tune with my Explorer. Every time I took it to the dealership it returned in worse condition than when I sent it. It also seemed to be jinxed. It was the only vehicle in the middle of a huge parking lot and yet a bus managed to hit it and damaged both driver-side doors.
Twice I had my 'gypsy' glass shattered by thieves. The differential had to be repaired three times and changed twice. The brake servo light kept coming on and off by itself. The computer said that the battery was charging and then the agent in Belize said it wasn't charging, but charged me for a new battery.
FORD: FUEL GUZZLER
Ford boasts about two things - its engineering and its 'Ford tough' construction. It is like Courtney Walsh showing off his batting skills. What convinced me to get rid of the Ford was its fuel consumption. It guzzled gas the way Trinidadians devour Maracas Bay shark and bake or Jamaicans demolish ackee and saltfish. With gas at approximately US$3.50 per gallon (duty-free) in Belize, my Ford could pass anything on the road except a gas station and I could not pass the ATM without stopping for reinforcements.
However, not many other cars within the same general price range are without sin. GM is 'Great Mistake' and GMC stands for 'Got a Mechanic Coming?' BMW is supposedly 'Big Money Waster' and Chevrolet could be either 'Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time' or 'Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology'. Any Dodge, even a low one, is seen as 'Dripping Oil, Dropping Grease Everywhere' and Hyundai becomes, 'Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive'. Even VW or Volks-wagen is deemed 'Virtually Worthless'.
The only one that seems to have no 'initial' stigma or brand-name 'wreck-ognition' is the Mercedes Benz. This is why, instead of being driven around the bends by my Ford, I bought an 18-year-old 'vintage' Benz Station wagon from Fidel Castro. No, it is not the one he seized from Raul, his brother. In fact, the Fidel Castro who sold me my Benz is Belizean and has no connection with the Cuban leader. In fact, when I asked him, he replied, "Che what?" The car has ample room between the driver's seat and the steering wheel (known as 'deep-knee' Benz) and a third-row folding seat which my son is anxious to try.
COFFEE MATTERS
If you think foreign-used cars or pre-owned and pre-used vehicles are a problem, what about coffee? There is a new twist on the old 'been there - done that' and it is 'bean there and done'. This is a case where it is good to the last drop and the last dropping.
Would you pay US$175 for a pound of coffee beans that have been excreted by a small, furry Indonesian mammal? I have heard of people paying through the nose for things, but paying through this part of the anatomy is ridiculous. It constitutes grounds for insomnia.
Indonesia produces only about 500 kilogrammes, or roughly 1,100 pounds, of the coffee each year, making it extremely expen-sive and difficult to find. By comparison Jamaica's Blue Mountain coffee, considered to be expensive, sells for US$35 to US$40 per pound, while a pound of Colombian (coffee that is) can be bought for about US$14.
I expect that pretty soon Juan Valdez in Colombia or one of the Blue Mountain Coffee owners might wise up and develop 'KOPI Cat' syndrome. In the absence of the civet, Juan can use his donkey, or the Blue Mountain people suitable alternatives, to perform the same function. This way they could pass out both the product and competition simultaneously. And whereas we now complain about coffee tasting like mud, wait until the new Blue or Colombian comes along. You will dump it faster than I got rid of my Ford.
Tony Deyal was last seen saying that trouble is brewing in his household. He complained that his coffee tasted like dirt, and his wife replied, "That's not surprising, it was ground this morning."
