Ivret WilliamsDear Counsellor:
I AM having a problem with my husband. We have been married for four years and we have a nine-month old baby. We were both very happy with the arrival of the child and then my husband started staying later at work. It is as if he only comes home to sleep. I have spoken to him about it and he is very apologetic and makes an effort, but then he goes back to his previous behaviour. I do not believe he is having an affair but I do not understand what is happening. He is in a supervisory position at his workplace and I know that there are times when he must work late, but a few months after the arrival of the baby it has gotten worse. What should I do?
Cynthia
Dear Cynthia:
UNFORTUNATELY ONCE a child enters the picture, it can become very easy for a wife to take her spouse for granted. Your husband may be feeling replaced. Before he was the centre of your world and now he has been dethroned. For some men their egos cannot handle it. Are you so occupied with the baby that he may be feeling occluded from your lives? Examine your conversations and see if the baby is always the focal point. If he does not have you to talk to and share the issues that may be affecting him, he may find someone else to listen to him. Have you included him in your 'baby chores', or is he just a sperm donor and financial provider? Do you say, 'my baby' or 'our baby'? Such simple phrases can make a world of difference.
Also a man is attracted to sight and smell and although you have had a child you still need to look attractive. Sometimes with the arrival of a baby, a woman may feel that dressing to attract her husband is no longer necessary. He may not tell you because he may be feeling disappointed at your lack of interest in maintaining the look that attracted him in the first place. His time at home and even his desire for sex may be affected by this factor.
Affection ends with marriage
Dear Counsellor:
I HAVE been married for six months and I am disappointed with my spouse. The reason is that when we were courting he was very charming and attentive. He would call me three or four times for the day, he would send me romantic text messages and many times when I least expected it, he would come to my workplace to take me to lunch. I loved his spontaneity. However, since we have gotten married it has all stopped. It is as if it was all a show to get me to marry him. I am so disappointed.
Rosie
Dear Rosie:
THERE ARE several factors that could be causing this behaviour. Your spouse may have seen you as a trophy to be won and so he did everything in his power to win the trophy. As a result of his victory he sees the relationship as not challenging anymore. Another factor is that you might have, without realising it, been telling him how you want to be treated and what you expect from a man and a relationship and so he had been feeding your desires. Another factor is, he might have presented to you a false self which you loved and what you are getting now is the real self. If any of the above is true that can be very hurting for the individual as you got married to an image that was not true. I would advise that you sit with him and discuss your disappointments. It may be that he may not even be aware of what is happening. He may think that because you are now living together there is no longer any need for those three and four phone calls daily. Also, he may think that if you have breakfast and dinner together then there is no need to 'waste' money on lunch. Ask him why his behaviour has changed. You may be surprised at the answer.
Email Ivret Williams at:
letstalkrelationships@yahoo.com.
